Obscenely Rich Friend Is Excited To Spend Second Stimulus Check
Conservation around the highly coveted “stimmy check” has been a staple of mainstream discourse for almost a year now. Who doesn’t love free money from a capitalist, distant government that otherwise would not blink if you and your entire family dropped dead from starvation tomorrow. How can free money from them not be trending everywhere? Everyone wants a slice of government funded pie but refuses to be part of the group that pays for it. It’s a lot like college parties. Some people have been devastated by the pandemic and need the means to rebuild themselves. So, naturally, your wealthy roommate who just got back from a getaway trip to Cancun is really excited to go shopping with that check.
“I just wish it was a bit more. I wiped my ass with two thousand dollars the other day after all, it’s really the only substitute for my bidet back home. Surely, those bastards on Capitol Hill could give my hard-working family a proper response?” wondered roommate Andy Warbucks as he flushed five thousand dollars cash down the toilet. “It is those darn Democrats, isn’t it? Anyway, I’m still excited to put people’s taxes into my joint checking account that I have with my dad. I was a little unsure of how to spend the money but then I thought—drugs! Of course! You know how much weed I can buy with six hundred dollars? A whole gram! It’s a pretty penny but thank god my dealer always gives me the ‘Oppressor Discount.’ I have no idea what an ‘oppressor’ is but it sounds pretty cool.”
“I am working seven different jobs and continually risking my life everyday for maskless people who are somehow in front of me on the waiting list for the vaccine. I figure I can divide the six hundred dollars into several weeks worth of chicken nuggets,” explained the other, broke roommate Daniel Jacksons as he quickly showed the detailed calendar of what days he can afford to eat. “It is bizarre to look online and see other countries getting monthly checks from their governments for the past year while our own country is arguing if people down on their luck deserve to be treated like human beings. Andy and his drugs are also a fringe case. Most people really need the money to pay for reasonable groceries and non-recreational medicine!”
The drug dealer declined a comment but offered us a gram for three thousand dollars, which we had a good laugh about. We hope everyone enjoys their stimmy because we all know that’s the only government handout we’re getting for the rest of our lives. In the meantime, maybe bully your rich friends into lending a helping hand, monetarily.