Dunkin’s New James Charles Drink Comes With Rainbow Espresso and a Slur of the Cashier’s Choosing

In a poor effort to market towards the alphabet mafia, Dunkin’ Donuts has released a new James Charles drink to follow the coveted Charli D’Amelio cold foam remix. This symbol of equality features a new rainbow espresso that’s sure to send you running to the closest commode on campus. But that’s not all! In order to compensate for the giant waste of time you’re inflicting on Dunkin’ workers, the cashier is allowed to call you whatever slur seems to fit your description best. While some may argue that this deal isn’t exactly “PC”, the cashiers have been forced to watch 100 hours of Harry Styles interviews so they are fully trained in seeming queerly ambiguous enough that you won’t be able to tell if they fit their chosen slur’s description (and no you cannot ask their sexuality). 

“It is such an honor to be the face of this campaign! Since I’ve been canceled I’ve been so worried that my clothing line, 25 million subscribers, and insanely successful makeup palette just wouldn’t be enough to pay the bills,” said 21-year-old multimillionaire James Charles. “I’m just so happy to once again be the face of the entire LGBTQ+ community and make such a difference in the world.” The humble influencer knows first hand what it’s like to give up everything for what he believes in. “I knew this partnership meant I would have to give up my S******** pinkity-drinkity but I said, ‘You know what Sisters? That’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make in order to see gays and straights alike follow in Charli and I’s footsteps to come together and make the change they want to see.’”

“This is the worst promotion we’ve had yet,” said Dunkin employee Jordan Bishop. “First of all, the ‘rainbow espresso’ is just a bunch of different colored non-dairy creamers that we pour into a glass of iced milk. Then it all mixes together the second we give it to them and I have to watch all these twinks pretend like they like their glass of sugar milk.” According to Dunkin’s CEO, the espresso is supposedly flavored like “cantaloupe and equality.” “I thought the slur part would at least make this job more fun but it just means I have to hold a limp wrist while some fruity kid in a Taylor Swift t-shirt laughs at me and asks if he can make a TikTok. I just can’t do it anymore so I already put in my two weeks notice and got a job at Chick-Fil-A.”

As it turns out, capitalist attempts to churn out rainbow-colored marketing to appeal to the same people they oppress isn’t all rainbows and unicorns...weirdly. But it sure is fun! In order to compete with the breakfast chain, McDonald’s has been rumored to be in talks with Lady Gaga, and even Taco Bell is getting in on the action with their new Quesa-Dua-Lupa. With all these partnerships it’s hard to even believe homophobia still exists, and it’s not even pride month yet!