“Lube It Up!” 6 Ways FSU Students Suggested The Ever Given Could Have Been Removed From the Suez Canal

Let it be said that the students of FSU are known for a lot of...unique things. Being capable of going on an all-night bender and shamelessly failing their exam the very next day? Sure! Their genuine, practical and applicable intelligence? Yeah, perhaps. Nothing quite showcases the pure sheltered stupidity of the student body of Florida State like their wide array of suggested solutions for removing the Ever Given from the Suez Canal. 

Lube it up!

“I’m sure we ALL know just how well lube works to get… things through a tight space. A crap ton of lube, a nice hard push and she’ll slide right through. Wait, don’t give me that look; come on I know we’re all thinking it!” -Nick James

Let’s take the Ever Given and push it somewhere else!

“You know a Spongebob reference can be used in just about every context. And, sure, it doesn’t provide a solution but I bet it’s 10 times more clever than just about anything else anyone on this campus can come up with. But in all seriousness, do you think this idea could actually work? -Natalie Croner

Flood the canal so that the boat can sail out.

“Flood it so much that the boat gets unstuck and just sailed right out, it’s genius! And we already have the perfect, readily available water supply to make this possible; the ocean. Sure, canal’s aren’t made to flood, and to be honest, I have zero clues about anything directly next to the Suez canal that could be damaged by major flooding, but I’m sure that kind of thing can work itself out.” -Kristin Scarpetti

Several thousand pounds of explosives would have cost less than the $10 billion they lost every day the Ever Given was stuck.

“Do I want an excuse to watch a giant ass freighter ship blow up? Of course. Would it work in actual practicality? Probably not. Would it be wild? YES. Hence why I believe this would have been the true, rushed and panicked response I expected from our worlds powers to get global markets back on track.” -Josh Evans

Lol, where’s that.

“I haven’t taken my geography requirement since freshman year, if it’s not in the US there’s a good chance I haven’t heard of it. How’d a boat get stuck there? That doesn’t sound like that big a deal. What is a big deal is that we are already prepping for Dance Marathon 2022, would you be interested in donating?” -Connor Stevens

That’s its new home, we can’t just relocate it.

“Don’t you think moving the Ever Given would hurt its feelings? If it didn’t want to be there then it wouldn’t have settled down in the first place. That was its new home and we should have just respected that. Plus, watching thousands of ships forced to take the longest detour of all time is pretty funny.” -Nat Franklin