BROCKHAMPTON Breakup Brings War Flashbacks of Your Parents Divorce

Finally, the real pandemic is over. If you didn’t hear the male-manipulator screams around campus or get the all-call for an emergency LGBT+ staff meeting, then we hate to be the ones to break the news, but BROCKHAMPTON has broken up. If you’ve never had a Grindr account, you may be asking yourself: who? BROCKHAMPTON, the notorious hip hop collective made up of at least 12 stinky men and top Spotify artist of every toxic-ex you’ve ever had has ended their reign. But the emotional spiral left behind is something their fans can simply not take.

Full-time BROCKHAMPTON listener, John Smallcock, hasn’t been able to function since seeing the news on a “random bitch’s” Instagram story. “At first, I thought it was a joke,” said Smallcock. “Like a joke made by of those stupid satirical news websites, but then…” He said, trailing in and out of consciousness. “Everything started going black. I thought of all the amazing times I’ve had with them, all the times I’ve had to defend them on Twitter from sexual assault allegations and prove to my friends that their music wasn’t dogshit. It was never easy work being a BROCKHAMPTON fan, but it was honest work. Work I’ll never forget.” 

Normal and established woman Maya Andrews couldn’t be more relieved. “Wait really? Oh, thank god. My little brother started posting their songs on his Instagram story and I was worried he’d turn out even worse than my dad.” Andrews recalled knowing Smallcock back in middle school. “Smallcock? Oh yeah, he was a super sweet kid! Then his parents got divorced in the 7th grade. He was out of school for a week, then he came back and could only talk about this ‘underground’ band he discovered called BROCKHAMPTON. From then on, he had a self-instructed dress code of yellow puffer jackets, Adidas joggers, and obnoxiously ugly shoes. It’s weird too because I tried talking to him about one song of theirs I liked and he just cursed me out for ‘not understanding’?”

Whether or not you’re a BROCKHAMPTON fan, news of their “indefinite hiatus” has undoubtedly caused a rift in the music scene (between regular, well-adjusted people and insufferable ones). Don’t worry too much, though. Even without the “best boy band since One Direction,” we still have people like Dominic Fike and JPEGMAFIA to act as a vessel for men to prove they know more about music than you.