Charlie Crist Joins Libertarian Party Following Gubernatorial Defeat

As the cold season ushered in, campus snowflakes mourned Charlie Crist’s gubernatorial defeat to god king Desantis. After a long, tough election season Desantis won with a landslide 60% of the overall vote. This caused many in the Democratic party to reevaluate their strategy for the upcoming 2024 election. Manny Diaz, the Florida Democratic Party or FDP chairman, expressed his frustration with the election results. “We didn’t think it was gonna be this bad. I’m embarrassed to say it but after his war with Disney, we were really expecting Disney ‘adults’ to turn out like they did for those Figment popcorn buckets and vote against him. Turns out it just meant more write-in ballots for Mickey Mouse and some guy named Brent Peterson.” Out of spite, the FDP has now amended its party platform to include a maximum age for Disney parkgoers (Universal is chill though). 

Former Governor Charlie Crist has not been handling the defeat as well as he thought either. “I can’t catch a fucking break, can I? I mean I’ve been governor before, so why can’t yall just let me give it one more go? What is that Tik Tok audio? Let me in please– eh, screw it, I already lost, I don’t have to pretend to be interested in that shit. I’m 66 for crying out loud! I’m supposed to be watching Sunday Morning on CBS, getting a boat, and moving to Fort Myers. I wouldn’t even have to stay in office for that long.” Crist now believes his values line up more closely with that of the Libertarian party and has announced yet another political switch. His team traces his shift in ideology to the moment he looked at his overall campaign expenses. “When he saw how much the campaign owed in taxes he had a ¾ life crisis and changed his finsta bio to ‘taxes=tyranny’ with an angry face emoji,” a junior staffer shared. After the party switch Crist appears more confident and believes he can successfully challenge any candidate in 2026. 

While most people were left confused by his seemingly rash decision, some students on campus were overjoyed. FSU Libertarians have taken to the streets to celebrate a mainstream candidate joining them. These students didn’t seem too worried about his past party switches and even believed that to be a political strength of his. These are also the same students who see politicians as real people and have those horrific line art stickers of them on their laptops. One student even went as far as to say Crist’s, “ THE perfect libertarian candidate, he hates government so much he is barely in political office!” Well said, I guess.

With this election cycle at an end, the future of Crist and his newly found home in the Libertarian party is still unclear. But if history teaches us one thing, it's that Charlie Crist doesn’t know when to quit.