Spotify Wrapped Horoscopes
Aries— Morgan Wallen
You listen to The Backseat Lovers when your friends are in the car, but we know what you really are. Your cool roommate (Pisces) is trying to change you, but you were born this way. You go to Ken’s Happy Hour and White Trash Wednesday, un-ironically. You have a cowboy hat hanging front and center on the sole command hook in your closet. You think man boys who chew tobacco are attractive, but you know that one is weird so we’ll allow it. But you buy flannels from Old Navy, for full price. How dare you. It’s okay though, because your second artist is Lil Nas X, so maybe you should stop reading this article and look in the mirror instead.
Taurus— Hozier
We’re here, asking if you’re okay. Genuinely. Seriously. You’ve had your wedding song picked out for years even though there are underlying themes of existentialism (but you should really focus on the idea of you getting married over the song first babes…). Every time you’ve been to New York (once, who are we kidding– you aren’t in a sorority) you lurk around the subway and BEG the rats to drag Hozier out of those walls and give another performance. Anyways, how’s that really close friendship that is slowly slipping away?
Gemini— Steve Lacy
You listen to all your Steve Lacy on Porta Pros, because AirPods are basic stupid! Your thumbs are soar from typing paragraphs on paragraphs about how mad you get when you hear a Steve Lacy song on Tik Tok, even though he has over 3.2 million Instagram followers. If you’re a Gemini you’ve probably rolled your eyes and stopped reading this already so, enough said.
Cancer— The Lumineers
Your dad listened to a more indie radio station growing up, and now you reap the consequences. You constantly have to defend your music taste to your friends (‘no guys, Ed Sheeran is cool’ no one has said ever) and when you sing in the car, you always have to add an accent or it doesn’t sound right. You can’t keep getting your music recs from your father and the Twilight soundtracks. Banjoes and Jack Antonoff should have never been combined.
Leo— Megan Thee Stallion
You’re a certified baddie. Your DMs are OVERFLOWING. No wonder you’re so confident, you’re literally the star of the show! You can’t stand men who don’t like Megan Thee Stallion, but who can? People tell you to step on them all the time, and after this year…you’ve been considering it. Flo Milli was your second most listened-to, and for that: everyone is in love with you.
Virgo— Taylor Swift
You took Sad Girl Fall as listening to Taylor Swift’s saddest hits all year long. No one on your Instagram cares about your Champagne Problems, or what the scarf means, or any of it; be a swiftie in private like the rest of us. We would tell you it’s time to get over it, but you honestly work the best and feel yourself when you’re blasting it…so go off, I guess? Show Tunes is still in your top five most listened-to genres though, even after your chorus phase ended in 8th grade (did it actually though?). Maybe if you stopped listening to Wicked as you drove home, you wouldn’t be so depressed.
Libra— Rex Orange County
[Redacted]
Scorpio— My Chemical Romance
MCR coming back not only awoke something in you but it created such an intense butterfly effect that you have now reached Nirvana. You didn’t even know this part within yourself still existed, but it does. Being a fan of them since middle school paid off. Can’t say the same for Panic! though. Here’s to hoping a new album is in the works.
Sagittarius— Queen
Lowkey forgot this iconic band existed– but you sure didn’t! Ever since the film, Bohemian Rhapsody, came out, you just haven’t stopped listening to this band. You are a big fan of all music from the 70s and 80s and don’t even know who Justin Bieber is. Careful Sag, your daddy issues are showing. Especially with The Neighborhood being your second favorite artist, so we don’t even want to know your top five songs.
Capricorn— Lana del Rey
You insist mainstream artist Lana del Rey is “underground” and stream her whenever you are feeling moody (which is all the time, isn’t it?). You may have been in her top .0001% of listeners but that does not mean she will ever care about you. Sure she has some bangers like “Young and Beautiful” but you argue that you liked her before the hit movie, The Great Gatsby, came out. Her music may be eccentric, but that doesn’t mean that listening to it makes you look like any less of a loser while walking to class.
Aquarius— Bright Eyes
Oooooh, you are just so indie and cool aren’t you, Aquarius? Even though you found these guys through TikTok, you have discovered a new love for softer folk and indie music this year, but that doesn’t mean you don’t like to jam out every once in a while… Especially since all your friends have been begging you to up the energy during pregames. Why do you think it’s acceptable to get ready for the club to Elliott Smith, bro? So, you’ve picked up an affinity for Megan Thee Stallion and Flo Milli, too because Leo is right and it does make you feel like a bad bitch. Fun and upbeat music can be cool too.
Pisces— The 1975
You never left your emo phase in high school. You post throwback videos of yourself three years ago, smoking a joint while laying in the pit at a concert while your parents thought their little star was fast asleep at home. We get it, you like alternative auto-tuned Soundcloud music but don’t like the layout of Soundcloud, so you listen to The 1975 on Spotify. Just keep in mind that Matty Healy is a millennial who consistently eats raw steaks on stage at his shows these days. You didn’t have to take him kissing a fan for the first time in years like a death sentence. Maybe give those other golden-age-of-Tumblr artists a try.