Batman Breaks Silence About ‘Jingle Bells Batman Smells'

Candy canes with the most absurd brand collab flavors, decorative lights, and catchy holiday music (which plays on a loop in every retail store) could only mean one thing: Christmas is quickly approaching. While it would not be Christmas without covers (mostly by Pentatonix) of the same 10 songs overplayed every year, it is almost refreshing to hear a twist on a classic. Everyone knows “Jingle Bells” but the modernistic version might be even more memorable (“Jingle Bells Batman Smells, Robin Layed an Egg. Batmobile Lost a Wheel and the Joker Got Away” obviously) However, it would seem one person, in particular, loathes this remix…for personal reasons.

The Eggplant ventured deep into the caves of Wayne Manor to investigate Batman’s sentiments towards these lyrics. Batman was seen scribbling furiously in a pink notebook and barely looked up throughout the interview. When questioned why he hates the song so much he responded, “That song ruined my life! I can’t even go to the supermarket during this time of year without having people sing it at me!” No one in Gotham seems to take Batman seriously during December. Batman reportedly hates Christmas but when questioned as to why his Batcave was decked out in colorful lights, ornaments, and wreaths, Batman responded with, “Robin put that shit up.” Peering over his shoulder, the Eggplant caught a glimpse of his notebooks which were just drafts of song renditions to counter that of “Jingle Bells” (his most creative attempt being “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Joker”). He quickly slammed his pink journal shut, which revealed the phrase ‘Burn Book’ on the cover, and stated, “The Joker obviously made up that stupid song. But the lyrics don’t even make sense because the Joker never gets away. Plus I don’t smell.” He sniffed under his armpits just to make sure then proceeded to drench his body in Axe. As the interview concluded, he muttered “vengeance” under his breath and blasted “Something in the Way” as he returned to his ‘Burn Book’.

The Eggplant climbed in the Eggmobile to search for the infamous lyrical genius responsible for this song. It did not take long to track down the Joker who was spotted spray painting the words “Batman Smells” on the side of Wayne Manor in red and green holiday colors. When asked what inspired his iconic rendition of “Jingle Bells” he responded, “I was kind of tired of constantly getting my ass kicked so I had to get revenge somehow. Plus I had a lot of downtime in jail.” As The Eggplant prepared to leave the Wayne Residence, something rustled in the nearby bushes. It turned out to be Robin popping a squat. When jokingly asked if he was laying an egg, he became deeply offended, “I prefer to shit outside! But just because I was named after a bird doesn’t mean I am one!! Sometimes I wish I could change my name– but the coolest name (Batman) is already taken.” Robin then retreated to the bushes to a makeshift nest, made mostly of pine needles and discarded spray cans, because he can…?

While holiday music and the influx of fat men with red suits/beards may signify a joyful time for most, it is important to consider the feelings of moody superheroes who let their enemies bully them into oblivion. There is no denying how catchy the phrase “Jingle Bells Batman Smells” is and how children will be singing it for generations to come. But if you see Batman at your local Publix, try to avoid singing the lyrics in earshot of him (he’s sensitive).