The Flightless Bird Association Votes To Make Literally Any Other Animals the Main Course at Thanksgiving

Ahh yes, a beloved tradition celebrated throughout America where we stuff our faces with mediocre food and pretend like conquering indigenous tribes “really wasn't that bad.” The southern states eat turkey, the west coast eats tofu cooked to taste like turkey, and the 15 people who reside in Alaska probably eat penguins or something. But it would seem that the flightless birds have had enough of being the target each holiday season. These winged creatures formed the Flightless Bird Association in order to advocate for flightless bird rights.

Hunting season in America is usually from October to December so these flightless animals must take cover in order to avoid being the main course at Thanksgiving. The Eggplant ventured deep into the forest to hear some opinions about this tradition. After walking around Mina Jo Powell Green for five minutes, we found exactly who we needed. “This all started because the pilgrims couldn’t catch anything except flightless birds. But America keeps producing more guns whereas we still haven’t evolved to be able to fly. So pick something harder to kill to make it a fair fight,” says disgruntled member, Tom Turkey. Another member stated, “I joined this org hoping to meet some cool chicks but yeah the purpose is cool too I guess. This is the Hot Chicks club right?”

While taking a lunch break at the best spot in town, The Eggplant ran into a famous cow activist who told us it was, ”her pleasure” when asked for her take on this hot topic. “I mean, if you have wings but can’t fly, do you really even deserve rights?” Asked Callie Cow. The Eggplant doesn’t care to comment. Callie is an ambassador for Chick-fil-A and came up with the, “eat mor chiken” campaign. She can’t spell for shit but apparently that campaign earned her a spot on the Fortune 100, “Upcoming Young Talent” list. The inability to fly makes these birds an easy target for Thanksgiving dinner. She argues that “it’s really just natural selection at that point.” However, loyal FBA member, Chicken Little, was wearing a “Flightless Bird Pride” shirt while doing his weekly protest outside of Chick-fil-A when The Eggplant approached for a final opinion. “Maybe Chick-fil-A’s campaign should be ‘Eat More Veggies’ because America frying every piece of meat they get their hands on isn’t doing their obesity rates any favors.” The interview was cut short when 2 Chick-fil-A workers started towards Little with a butcher knife. His Flightless Bird Pride shirts will go on sale next week on Landis, from 5 to 6 am and again from 10 to 11 pm.

Once the excitement of Thanksgiving and hunting season dies down, The Flightless Bird Association plans to fly (on a plane, jackass) to D.C. to pass an amendment that identifies flightless birds as people. They are hoping to gain some constitutional rights since they are arguably the most vulnerable and unprotected population. It is doubtful whether this association is ever going to accomplish anything but it’s nice to know these birds are practicing the right to protest, which is more than some Americans can say.