New Study Shows that Clearer Ikea Instructions Reduce Divorce Rates

Ikea has been receiving a lot of criticism from the public recently. These critiques are following allegations that their furniture assembly instructions actually disassemble relationships. While a couple builds a chair, they also build hatred and resentment for each other. One second a couple is trying to figure out where to put a part, the next they are arguing about who gets to keep the furniture after the separation. Newly wedded woman, Maria Callahan described the strain that building an Ikea desk has placed on her marriage, saying, “It was stupid to think we could do this ourselves. I don’t even recognize my husband anymore. Worst of all, we never even finished building the desk so we have nowhere to sign the divorce papers.” When Maria provided the Eggplant with this statement, her husband was seen tearing the Ikea box to shreds and burning a Swedish flag in a fit of rage.

Although Ikea negatively impacts relationships, there is a silver lining for the couple’s therapy industry. “A couple can simply not be expected to stay with each other after building furniture together,” said Joseph Gordon, a leading couple’s therapist. “Let’s be honest. Love is conditional and one of those conditions is confusing as hell instructions.” Gordon explained that the catalyst for the majority of his clients’ failing marriages was Ikea furniture. “This process is really difficult for couples in which each person thinks they are smarter than the other. Usually, neither of them are correct.”

In response to the harsh criticism directed at the company, Ikea decided to launch a new initiative focusing on clearer instructions called Built to Last. These are a new series of instructions that more clearly detail how the furniture should be built. That’s not all, however. Ikea is also incorporating relationship-building activities into the Built to Last instructions. Every few steps, couples will be prompted to “Look deeply into each other’s eyes” or “Say 5 things you love about your partner” for example. Ikea hopes that the Built to Last initiative will create a more open and loving environment for couples as they furnish their homes. This sentiment is echoed in their new tagline, “Furnishing homes and furnishing families.”

According to the most recent marriage statistics as well as Ikea’s financial summary, it appears that the initiative is a huge success. Experts say that couples are finally putting furniture together and staying together with rates of divorce plummeting. Built to Last has been so successful, in fact, that many couples have reported improved sex lives. “There’s nothing like putting it in on the bed you put together with your bare hands,” claimed one happy couple. Another couple even proposed a way to spice up the furniture-building experience. “Our thing is we like to swap the relationship-building activities with different sex positions. We call it ‘Built to Assblast.’” It seems that Ikea has done it again, further establishing itself as the premier furniture company of the world and now the saving grace of failing marriages. Who knew the cheapest way to maintain your marriage was by constructing some Swedish furniture? Thanks, Ikea!