BREAKING: The Group Chat That You’re Not In Is Talking Shit About You Right This Second
It’s no surprise that more and more people are on their phones today, and this is especially the case in college. Now more than ever we can make friends all across the internet, hopefully avoiding as many neckbeards as possible. If you’re lucky, you might even make enough friends to experience one of the greatest inventions of technology: the group chat. Group chats differ in all shapes, sizes, and corny names, but the fun part is that basically everyone is included. All good things have their downsides, however, and there’s nothing FSU students do better than be paranoid overthinkers with imposter syndrome. Recent events in the FSU group chat spheres have revealed that you’re not crazy after all, you don’t belong and all of your friends actually hate you!
It's one thing to have to fight for your life in the group chat and face the music of 8 different people roasting you, but it reaches a whole new level when it’s behind your back. Eggplant insider info has revealed and leaked incriminating texts from your favorite group chat’s special spot they go to avoid talking to you. “We never really liked them too much to be honest we just used them because they gave us drugs, who doesn’t want a free illicit substance to abuse?” Things are starting to look cornier than a High School Musical plot line, but instead of being solved with a musical number, it’s just someone desperately texting their entire Snapchat friends list to see if anyone wants to hang out on a Friday night. Usually, these group chats are silly with absurd names like “Chief Keef’s nutsack” or something like that, but the only absurd names here were the hurtful words they said about you.
These spinoff group chats are an increasing campus-wide phenomenon, and it sometimes can seemingly be for no reason. “It was like one minute the group chat loved my joke about the [REDACTED] and then the next it was radio silence,” claimed another victim of being gatekept from his big group chat, “I don’t get it they used to love when I made fun of [REDACTED]”. Needless to say, all walks of life can be affected. The phenomenon is even spreading academically because you just know those people in the GroupMe all hate your guts after asking a question you could’ve easily answered yourself had you scrolled up a few messages. No one wants to get passive aggressivley iced out by the kid who ruined the curve.
There's a silver lining to all of this, however. For every group chat that has an extra one specifically including you, there’s probably another person going through the same thing. Maybe it’s a sorority girl who was a little too publicly racist and couldn’t get into Theta, or maybe it’s a Landis Larper who gets a bit too aggressive with the foam swords. At least now you all can have a little group chat to yourselves. This couldn’t actually happen to you though, right? Think of it like Schroedinger’s Bullying, it’s both not happening and also it’s happening right now. So go confront your friends really aggressively. You know what they did.