Scientists Reveal Gagging on Your Toothbrush is Root Cause of Good Dental Hygiene
New research suggests that gagging on your toothbrush is the best way to remove plaque from your tongue and get the freshest breath possible. The study was conducted over a 12-year period out of Brigham Young University, where doctors were alerted about an alarming rate of yellowed teeth and gummy smiles among the college student population. Previous hypotheses claimed high consumption of sugary sodas loaded with heavy creamer and syrups was the solution to bad breath, but there was no conclusive data.
The real breakthrough in the research was found when comparing students of different faiths. Those who strictly adhered to their religious practices were found to have poorer hygiene than those who “walked with the devil.” Patient P.U., one of the groundbreaking case studies highlighted in the final paper, adhered strictly to her Mormon faith and was found to refuse to brush her tongue in a manner that engaged her pharyngeal reflex; The Gag, if you will. Even with the reassurance that it was a reflex and a natural reaction in the presence of stimulation of the back of the tongue and soft palette, Patient P.U. insisted, “Gagging is inherently anti-God and anti-Mormon. It leads to sexual feelings and urges. They teach us this in the Temple and our freshman biology courses. And I refuse.”
The study then examined those who aren’t intensely religious or who claimed to be “spiritual” like Patient O.F., who was found to exercise those pharyngeal reflexes several times while brushing her teeth. “It’s practice. The more you do it, the less likely you’ll be to gag on the real deal, right? That’s my logic, at least.” While scientists are still working on confirming the link between gagging on toothbrushes and penises, it was clear-cut that Patient O.F.’s intensive routine earned her plenty of free candy and toys from her childhood dentist’s treasure chest after her biannual cleanings. Maybe she is doing something right, and isn’t that what we all dream of?
With the opening of the (deep breath) Tallahassee Temple of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints earlier this month (I mean, what a stinky mouthful) comes an influx of Mormons to Tallahassee, and residents should be warned of their foul breath, yellowed teeth, and gummy smiles. Yahweh approves of flossing even less than premarital sex. Go figure. Besides this new development, it seems the city of Tallahassee is among the highest-ranked in dental hygiene! Keep on hawk-ing and tuah-ing ladies and gents! We’re finally on top of our game in something!