George Santos Announces OnlyFans Page
Kamala Harris laughed at what? How many carpets in the United States Senate have cum stains in them? George Santos said what? If you thought the answers to those questions were a lot, you should hear the latest story. This past week the expelled Congressman, George Santos, announced the grand opening of his OnlyFans page. Whether middle-ground Democrat, machine riffle-swinging Republican, grammar-using Liberal, or whatever within the spectrum, it’s a well-known fact that our Government is a whole new level of fucked…or is it more of a revolution?
The ex-New York Representative announced his new career avenue this past Monday over Twitter, switching his single Cameo link to a LinkTree with both profiles. Amy Bariss, a political science major at FSU, provided insight into Santo’s OnlyFans. “He started with his Cameo career, where each video is $500 a pop! So you can only imagine how much these new videos are going for.” Bariss says she was never a fan of Santos, Republicans, or the U.S. government in general but sees this as an incredible move. “This man used government money to buy porn, lingerie, movies, furniture, Ubers, and honestly who knows what else. And now he’s making almost triple through Cameo? Dressing as a sexy founding father, who knows what heights he will reach!” The FSU senior says Santos has given hope to every person hoping to go into politics.
Self-proclaimed OnlyFans expert Jacob Bailey also weighed in on the new situation. “I think it’s awesome. Definitely gay, but hey– a guy’s gotta make a living!” Bailey is a first-year finance major and a “proud member of Tke,”... whatever that means. He said he created his OnlyFans going right into high school and is happy that now he doesn’t have to lie about his birthday. “I have not subscribed to ‘Slutty Santos’ yet, I mean ever! But I may breeze over it and take some notes. He does have a wide variety of content options, so I’ve heard!” Santos apparently calls his subscribers, Raunchy Republicans, and himself, Daddy Congress. “After seeing that video of the Republican raw-dogging that intern on the STAIRS of the White House!? Apparently people love a good power trip if you know what I mean.”** Despite Bailey’s disdain toward checking out Slutty Santos’s page, he did receive a text from a “semen giver aka dad” reading: Why am I getting emails that my credit card paid for me to be the newest “Limp dick Liberal” from “Daddy Santos”????
Thankfully, now that most FSU students are home for the Holiday break, Santos has provided everyone with another dinner topic. Click here to subscribe to his OnlyFans account and see the hype for yourself.
**The Eggplant FSU wants to straighten out that the sex tape was not on the steps of the White House but may as well have been with how boring it was.