Publix Worker Accidentally Accomplishes Nuclear Fission by Slicing Deli Meat Too Thin

We’re all familiar with the laws of quantum physics, but you may not be aware of the ongoing battle between deli employees and disgruntled customers at Publix grocery stores across the Southeast. It all started back in 2015, right around the time when the Chinese stock market was crashing and Fetty Wap released Trap Queen. A single mother of four, Chelsea Thompson, was shopping at her local Publix store, gathering all the ingredients needed to make a health-conscious meal none of her children would enjoy. In an interview with Thompson, she said, “I decided to pick up some deli meat while I was there, you know? For the kids’ lunches. But even though I asked for the meat to be sandwich cut… I’m sorry, I told myself I wouldn’t cry this time. You’re a big girl Chelsea. You’re strong… I asked for sandwich-cut meat but when I got it it was… it was… it was thin cut!” Thousands of other middle-aged people with nothing better to do with their lives flocked in support of Thompson, calling for more thorough deli meat-cutting training and service with a smile.

Neil Griggs, the employee responsible for it all, who until recently had kept his mouth shut about the incident, recently told all in a personal memoir titled “A Slice of My Life: The Two Pieces of Bread and Everything In Between.” One passage from the memoir read, “My life was over from the second I sliced that first piece of meat. If only I had known that my actions would change the course of my life forever. I lost my job*, I wasn’t accepted by any universities**, and I lost all my friends***.” Griggs went on to describe how he found his new calling when he was at his lowest. “I had nothing and no one. So I decided right then and there that I would make it my personal mission to ruin every single order of Publix deli meat until I die.” Surprisingly, it worked.

Year after year, Publix’s customer service department has reported more and more customer complaints directly related to the thickness of their deli meat. One anonymous complaint from 2020 read, “I asked for sandwich cut turkey, not fucking pencil shavings.” This brings us to the present day, where many are saying that the war on deli meat has gone too far this time. Last week, a Publix in Tampa, FL was the site of a scientific breakthrough and grave tragedy. At midday, the grocery store and its surrounding area were completely vaporized in an instant leaving no survivors. Local police officers were able to access CCTV footage seconds before the incident and were shocked at what they saw. Employee, Mike Grayson, a known accomplice of Neil Griggs, sliced a block of ham so unbelievably thin that he actually split the atoms at the nuclear level, the energy of which released so forcefully that, when all was said in done, the area looked like how Sprite tastes.

The whole incident has left scientists and sandwich artists at a complete loss. How has one man’s vendetta against a disgruntled employee gone so far that he is now partially responsible for one of the greatest scientific feats of our generation? Is this an achievement worth celebrating, or is this a grave warning that we’ve gone too far? Will Publix ever stop slicing my deli meat too thin? I don’t have the answer. All I know is this: when you’re buying deli meat you ask for one slice size bigger than you actually want.

*Records show he frequently showed up to work late or intoxicated.
**2.3 GPA and only applied to Ivy League schools.
***They had been looking for a good excuse to kick him out of the friend group for years.