Fast Food Restaurants in Financial Ruin Following Nikocado Avocado’s Sudden Weight Loss

The people of the internet have been had, fooled, duped, and other synonyms for getting tricked by YouTube’s former heavyweight champion, Nikocado Avocado. It seems, however, that Mr. Avocado’s fans are not the only ones affected by his weight loss transformation and ultimate betrayal. The Wall Street Journal’s latest study found that fast-food restaurant chains across the nation are reportedly experiencing an extreme decline in sales. One Subway executive described it as “the worst economic situation our business has ever faced and yes, I’m including Jared.” It seems that Avocado’s weight loss has had the unintended consequence of creating a supply and demand imbalance that is sending shock waves throughout the fast food market. Modern fast-food giants that have counted on Avocado’s consumption as a large source of revenue for years now have suddenly been left with massive surpluses of food. This has left nothing but one burning question at the forefront of everyone’s minds: Who is going to eat all this damn food?

McDonald’s is one of the companies that has been most affected by Avocado’s selfish decision to lose his unhealthy weight. In response, their CFO, Ian Borden, has assembled an economic think tank made up of industry executives (and trust fund babies) to find possible solutions to the food surplus issue. “The idea behind the think tank is simple,” Borden says. “We’ve pulled together some of the best and brightest financial minds of the 21st century to save our industry.” So far they’ve come up with: bribing the USDA to change the recommended number of daily meals from three to four and, using hypnosis techniques in advertising to make people hungrier. One think tank contributor who hadn’t yet been hardened by the world, suggested that the food be given away to charities and homeless shelters. He was fired shortly thereafter.

Chick-fil-A is taking a radically different approach. Their Board of Directors hasn’t given up on Avocado just yet and is convinced that, with enough support, he can put the weight back on in no time. “He’s in a very dark place right now,” said Chairman of the Board Dan T. Cathy, “He’s confused, scared, and making impulsive decisions. He doesn’t see how his choices are impacting the people around him and, more importantly, the mega-corporations around him. With enough support, and maybe a little conversion therapy, I think we can reach him.” A man of his word, Cathy has been spotted outside Avocado’s residence the past few nights playing “their” song on a beat-up boombox.

With no official response from Avocado at this time, the future of fast food remains unclear. It’s possible that casual eateries will adapt to the Nikocado-Avocado-influenced consumer by decreasing portion sizes and introducing diet-friendly options, or maybe they’ll just roll out a spicy version of a pre-existing entree. Our money’s on the second one. Whatever these corporations decide, one thing is clear: Nikocado Avocado has always been two steps ahead.