Presidential Debate Recap (Gone Sexual) (Not Clickbait)

Uh Oh! Oh no! The 2024 Presidential Debate between Vice President Kamala Harris and Former President Donald Trump was actually pretty alright! I think I’d give it a 7/10, given some choice editing decisions, bad lighting, and the fact that the orange guy on the left is a terrible actor who blinks like a frog! The Eggplant made sure they were primed and on the scene in Pencil-vania, the city of hate, to give you screenagers who heard “two commercial breaks” and immediately turned off their TV the best summary possible.

Donald Trump immediately came out with some interesting remarks, “On me, the witch Kamala has cast a spell! That has made my life a living hell! For which this entire time! I have been forced to rhyme!” Of course, Harris denied this with just the biggest, most unsettling smile you’ve ever seen on a person, but seemed to find it amusing. Moderator and D.I.L.F of the Year contender, David Muir said something in response, but I was a little too lost in his stunning blue eyes to be listening… those eyes…they whisper soft songs to me... I need him…

“Here’s what I’m going to do,” said Harris, “You know all the zoo animals? All the zoo animals, yeah well, I’m gonna let them out. Giraffes, elephants, snakes, otters–yeah they’re all coming with us.”

“Where are we going? What will we do? Once all of these animals are free from the zoo?” said Trump in reply, even though his microphone was off. “I just can’t see! How this would be beneficial! And yet you Americans! Want this woman as a government official?”

“Would you stop that?” asked Kamala Harris politely, if not sort of scarily, like when you get yelled at by your 5th grade English teacher Mrs. Hankla, even though she was always secretly rooting for you. Why is she mad at me? The two continued on like this for a while; our resident reporter Lemmy Inn says he fell asleep, “Just a teensy weensy little bit.”

When asked about her take on how she would handle the political and economic state of the world, Harris responded,“Yeah I don’t really care about any of that! I will say though, have you ever had those peanut butter filled pretzel nuggets before? Ooooo-mmmm-mmmm-mmm! Those things are de-licious!”

“Kamelot, stay on track! How can you expect to carry this country on your back, when all you can think about is zoo animals and snacks?! Curse you!!” David Muir was shaking his head at this point, mm his hair looks so good you could probably take a bite out of it. “Mr. Trump, please,” mm and his voice sounds like real butter, like expensive butter, right out of the churner. Mmm. Hold on, what were we talking about?

When asked about his remarks of losing the 2020 election “by a whisker” Trump replied, “I was joking! Can’t you see the radical left has started this fire you’re stoking!?”

“I’m going to slap you,” David Muir replied sternly, but with a smirk that could make a teenage girl pass out.

“I’d probably like that a lot actually!” said Trump.“Here’s the thing, there’s too many airplanes!” Harris butts in, “I think we need…less airplanes…yes, yes we need less of them. I think there’s too many airplanes in the sky, it’s kind of scaring me! It’s giving me the creeps!”

Sitting to David Muir’s left was Lindsey Davis, who was the only one in attendance who seemed to keep it together. Lemmy Inn caught up with her after the debate was over to get the facts. “I was faded as fuck the entire time, not gonna lie. Trump said something about how all dogs go to Springfield to get eaten by transgender aliens from the Simpson’s or whatever and I just lost it.” When asked what her drink of choice was for the night, she replied “Cherries and iced milk with lots of bourbon, trust it is to die for!.” Kamala Harris spoke to me last night, and so did David Muir. Mm. I think we’re gonna be okay. Come to think of it, yeah there are way too many fucking airplanes. It’s kind of starting to get on my last nerve. I know who I’m voting for!