Former President Jimmy Carter Cordially Invites One and All to Birthday Bash of the Century

Come one, come all to the most anticipated birthday party of the year! Defying all known laws of science, Jimmy Carter, America’s favorite walking corpse, is set to turn a century old this October. With a track record of unforgettable parties that span decades, Carter has gone on record to incoherently mumble that this celebration will be his grandest. It’s hard to believe that he would ever be able to top his 2014 party that featured live performances from Coldplay and Bobby Shmurda, but Carter has assured the American public that his 100th will be “the fucking shit.”

So, what can people expect from Carter’s centennial party? According to Stella Peterson, one of the many hospice workers who tend to Carter’s decaying body daily, we can expect a lot. Peterson stated, “Jimmy wants the theme of the party to be ‘4 Whores and 7 Beers Ago.’ When I asked him to elaborate, he laughed at me until he started coughing up blood.” Peterson also went on to mention that, since the passing of Carter’s wife in 2023, he’s been itching to get back out there. “I warned him that the dating scene isn’t what it used to be and that he might not be compatible with the kind of women attending his party but all he said was, ‘I was President. I’mma get me some.’”

It’s been rumored that the party’s entrance fee will be a little unconventional. Instead of a traditional 18 and 21+ price, party guests will be required to purchase a gift for Carter from his Amazon wishlist. Items on the list include fertilizer for his peanut farm, a copy of When Harry Met Sally on VHS, and the elixir of life. It’s also been speculated that Carter’s birthday bash will feature musical performances from some big-name hip-hop artists. Keen social media users have noticed rappers like Travis Scott and Baby Keem posting cryptic messages on X, the everything app, that seem to allude to possible appearances at Carter’s birthday. One tweet from Keem read, “I will be performing at Jimmy Carter’s birthday on October 1st with Travis Scott.” It’s too soon to tell what this could mean.

The leak that’s getting the most attention right now, however, is a party supply list that appears to have been made by Jimmy Carter himself. Experts allege that this is more than likely Carter’s handwriting, but there is no definitive proof at this time. Here’s the list:

Throwing a memorable party isn’t easy, but it’s especially difficult when you were twenty years old when World War II ended. That’s real. Look it up. Despite that startling fact, every trusted source and baseless rumor seem to spell inevitable success for Jimmy Carter’s 100th birthday celebration. With a unique theme and all but confirmed special musical guests, it’s likely this will go down in the history books as the greatest birthday party hosted by a former President of the United States this country has ever seen. Let’s just hope Jimmy Carter lives long enough to enjoy it.

The Eggplant FSU