Gainesville Stalker and Part-Time UF Basketball Coach ‘Slips Up’ During Presser
The University of Florida’s athletic programs have long been synonymous with two things: mixed results and controversy. From always having a population of fans uglier than ours, the struggle regarding the iconic “Gator Bait” catchphrase, Joakim Noah being ugly, and the recently ongoing investigation into basketball coach Todd Golden involving Title IX violations. Golden was scheduled for a routine post-game presser following the Gator’s 87-74 victory against the ‘Noles. Before it started, an assistant announced that Golden would NOT be fielding questions regarding the Title IX investigation. This came as a surprise considering the basketball game itself was boring and nobody wanted to ask bullshit questions about the “pick and roll.” Everyone present was interested in learning how much of a creep Golden is instead. The journalists in the room, faced with no other option, attempted some basketball-related questions.
“How did you feel about scoring today, coach?” asked one student reporter. “I see what you did there, ‘scoring’ Ha ha. Funny. Really fucking funny.” Golden replied. “I see what’s happening here. You all want to cancel and vilify me for just happening to end up in the same location as some women over and over, and generally being a perverted creep. Pff. Like being a good basketball coach doesn’t cancel that out.” He then went on to recite some botched Chinese proverb about the importance of teamwork and described how to strengthen the team, he “always walks the freshman players back to their dorms, then take a few personal laps around the female dorms to make sure there aren't any creeps around.” Golden stormed out of the conference, but not before adding, “my Instagram is @coachgoldenuf if anyone wants to holler at your boy.” His bio reads “Faith, Family, Basketball.” Later, the UF Hoops’ bus was spotted driving up and down FSU’s sorority row 16 times. Not sure why, though. With the press conference cut shockingly short, professional and FSU student journalists were left stunned.
Student journalist Aubrey Miller, 20, shared that “all of the UF staffers seemed pretty pissed off afterward. Like, they were mad at us for wanting to bring the investigation up, and not mad at Golden for being a sex pervert. A couple of his assistant coaches kept going up to girls and asking for Instagrams.” Many FSU students following the presser were met with a message request from Todd Golden, the contents of which we can only assume involve something that rhymes with dick pic. Golden’s IG account is currently averaging more blocks than UF’s 6’11 center Alex Condon. When FSU journalists attempted to ask UF athletic director Scott Stricklin about the investigation, he simply replied “Scoreboard.”
The University has remained largely silent regarding the investigation, similar to how I imagine dinner between Golden and his wife goes. However, Golden has balanced being a pervert with being a basketball coach quite well, with the Gators posing a 15-1 record going into their match-up with Missouri. His unsavory conduct will likely be pushed under the rug until his basketball team starts losing, as a possible trip to the Elite 8 clearly holds more weight than the safety and security of UF students at the very university they attend.