New Hinge Update: 9% More Accurate Matches, 60% More Regret
In a groundbreaking move, dating app Hinge has come forward with a new update, promising to deliver 9% more accurate matches and 60% more regret. Make no mistake; this statistic is intentional. After researchers discovered our generation’s preference for the ever-present feeling of impending doom, the Hinge team went straight to work to please the masses. New features have been engineered to make sure you’re secure in that liminal state of constant situationships.
CEO of the dating app, Angela Fakemiddlename Johnston, released a statement after facing initial curiosity: “We’ve heard your feedback loud and clear. Are you tired of being ghosted by someone entirely different from you in every way? Well, we now guarantee you’ll be ghosted by someone with the same top 4 movies on Letterboxd!” Honestly, we all see the vision. The point of this new branding is to truly emphasize the emotional whiplash that online dating in college can bring. Because let’s be real, what could be better than texting someone for 3 weeks just to end up hanging out 2 times tops?
Some of the specific features software engineers have been working on have the public quite excited. After sending a heart to a fellow user, you could be faced with pop-ups reading, “Sure they’re perfect on paper, but wasn’t your ex, too?” or “Are you sure you’re ready to confront your avoidant attachment issues?” One update that us here at The Eggplant are particularly keen on is the post-date prompt that will have you facing the question: “Was it a good date or are you just afraid of dying alone?” Getting slapped in the face with these unsettling questions can really help the app’s users reach a level of self-reflection that’s only ever been achieved either in therapy or laying on the Potbelly’s bathroom floor.
We had the honor of speaking with loyal Hinge customer, Katie HotGirlMiddleName Smith, to learn about her new experiences with the app. “Since the changes started, my dates have improved so much! Instead of being lectured about stocks, these guys mansplain Radiohead albums. Much more up my alley,” said Smith, barely able to pull her eyes from the fluorescent Hinge interface lighting up her phone screen. Her friend had a similar welcoming reaction to these features, adding,“Rather than having that instantaneous sense of dread, I didn’t even regret my date until much later than usual.”
It’s with these changes that Hinge’s staff have truly perfected the slow-burn toxic situationship you’ve always craved. You can’t get this shit on Tinder and you certainly aren’t going to find it in a college town weekday special. Overall, as you venture into online dating, Hinge will be by your side to watch you crumble. But the best change of all comes from their updated slogan. Previously, “Designed To Be Deleted,” now reads, “Makes You Want To Delete Yourself.” And isn’t that just the bees-knees?