TikTok Announces Replacement Of The FYP Algorithm With New “Patriot-Truth-Eagle-Freedom” AI Technology Following U.S. Ban Negotiations

With nothing but love and respect, no platform provides the attention-depleting “content slop” that TikTok does in this age of social media. YouTube shorts are a lawless wasteland, and Instagram reels are infested with your 13-year-old cousins discovering dark humor ( overtly racist). Because of these failures, it was only a matter of time before the American spirit of conquering territory got its slimy hands on TikTok’s success. After some of the most shameless political dick-riding in years, TikTok was banned and subsequently unbanned thanks to President Trump faster than you can say MAGA (about 4 seconds). This does come with a catch, however, and the parent company Byte Dance has agreed to change so it can stay in the U.S. Now, they've decided to pivot away from their algorithm which perfectly predicts when you’re on the toilet to appeal to the new government “experts”. So long Chinese FYP’s that send us Maoist brainwashing waves and hello FYP’s filled with freedom. 

Powered by Meta and some sort of pseudoscience bullshit, the world is about to experience “Patriot-Truth-Eagle-Freedom” Open Source AI. It’s a revolutionary moment akin to our independence in 1776. Although there will inevitably be pushback from zoomer snowflakes who just don’t get it, this new algorithm replacement is going over incredibly well with parents. Janet, a mother of three and Truth Social platinum user, was asked how she felt about the change. “I’ve learned so much and been able to connect with so many patriots using TicTac,” she said, confusing the app with the tiny breath mint. “We even started to bond over something that rhymes with Blue Anon.” Needless to say, she’ll be really excited to tell her kids who haven’t contacted her in two years.

One major function of the new algorithm is that the For You Page is now influenced by the viewer’s appearance. Blue hair means a 35% increase in get-ready-with-me-to-go duck hunting videos, each nose piercing earns a viewer four extra gun-cleaning ASMR videos per minute, and, if viewers are seen with a tote bag, they get exclusively JD Vance thirst trap edits until they take it off. Some viewers are outraged by this change. TikTok micro-influencer Kaelyn Thompson (she/they) stated, “I went on TikTok to look for a recipe for the local-grown quinoa I bought at the farmers market this weekend, and all that came up were various flat top grill reviews. Later, I took off my Phoebe Bridgers hoodie, and it worked perfectly normal!” It is unclear how the algorithm has the capabilities to know this wealth of information about its viewers, but one thing is clear: it’s probably because nobody read the terms and conditions before agreeing to them.

You might be asking yourself what sort of merciful and kind god would allow for such an infringement on your right to scroll endlessly for hours? The answer is probably the god you’re thinking of. That Chinese Commie spyware shit was definitely giving people too many thoughts. I hate thinking, and you should too. With the woke mob–mostly comprised of Stanley Cup collectors–suppressed, you can finally enjoy the app now that it’s been patriot-ified. It’s important in these uncertain times to remind yourself what is really important: guns, the Bible, John 3:16 specifically, bacon, monster trucks, fishing, boobs, burgers, bald eagles, etc.