CDC Announces: Drunk Cigs No Longer Count

It seems that CDC specialists have been hit with a sudden wave of FOMO. Or at least that’s what we can assume based on their recent semi-scientific findings. Earlier this week, they sent out the following press release: “New Research Supports Conclusion That Drunk Cigs Do Not Count.” Whether or not this fully reliable, peer-reviewed research took place over a 6-pack of beers remains a mystery. But honestly, who even cares at this point?

Celebrations have broken out all across the country as a result of the announcement. However, many people are critical of the objectively happy news. David BoringGuy, who works as a full-time party pooper, has taken it upon himself to lead a counter-movement against the support of drunk cigs. “This is such a slippery slope. Next thing you know they’ll be saying 2 A.M. texts to your ex or drunkenly cutting your bangs doesn’t count either,” said BoringGuy. What a stick in the mud, right? 

Luckily for 60% of Americans (that statistic sounds about right) CDC officials have miraculously come up with reasoning to support their decision. Their stance is based on the phenomenon that cigarettes smoked under the influence of alcohol exist in this social and medical gray area. In general, these indulgences are completely unattached from a person’s sober identity. As a result, they’ve come up with a new unit of measurement. From now on, a single puff of a Marlboro Red is known as “SNE” (Social Nicotine Enjoyment), and 3-5 Black & Milds are now called “NIS” (Nicotine Induced Socialness). Such classifications truly allow smokers to get away with the type of accountability-free decision making that so many people crave. 

The CDC’s news has been especially exciting for younger generations, such as college students. To them, a cigarette when you’re drunk is just another non-committal accessory. It’s comparable to when frat guys wear sunglasses inside nightclubs or when your friend orders mozzarella sticks for the table. Avid drunk cigarette enjoyer, Charlie EpicCoolGuy had this to say when he heard the news: “I only smoke when I drink, which is usually Thursday-Sunday. Maybe a Wednesday happy hour or Sunday brunch, too. Anyways, now that the CDC has my back, I don’t have to keep defending myself. Those 4 packs I chainsmoked this week don’t count! I’M GONNA LIVE FOREVER!!!!” 

Of course, there’s still bound to be plenty of judgment from jealous observers. But the important thing to remember is that drunk cigs will never again count when you’re buzzing like a bee off of some wine. The next morning, they won’t even count while you’re cosplaying a divorced middle-aged man staring off their back porch. And it especially won’t count during your yearly physical or have any long-term effects. Vaping however… vaping still counts.