Scientists Reveal Mushrooms Actually Can Teach Men Empathy In New Study
Have you ever tuned into a podcast of your favorite generic friend group of insecure men, excited to hear they had paused talking about how much they hate women for five minutes? What else could they have to say? Something about Lebron James, you would hope. Disappointingly, it was just one dude talking about how he took mushrooms once, and it changed his life. He mansplained how we are all part of something bigger and that he will start bathing in rainwater and going to group therapy for various reasons. Well, it’s time to stop criticizing podcast bros for learning the truths of the universe from magic mushrooms, because it might be the only way they can. New research has shown that tripping on mushrooms actually does teach men critical skills like empathy and kindness. God knows their mothers didn’t teach them, or at least hit them enough.
Dr. Lobe Otomy from Stanford University School of Medicine shared his findings, “We actually found that men have the same brain activity when experiencing the psychoactive effects of psilocybin as 13-year-old girls do when listening to an Elliott Smith song.” He explained that there is a part of the brain that is responsible for grasping the unfathomable enigmas of existence that only women typically have access to. This is why after shrooming, men get the inexplicable urge to take a philosophy class and plant a tree. Unfortunately, these effects only last for one week after tripping, so men often return to their patriarchy-loving, microplastic-consuming, mildly ignorant selves shortly after.
To verify these results, The Eggplant interviewed several men post-mushrooms-trip. The results were jarring. Braden Anderson stated, “I totally get why my girlfriend was upset by me calling her a bitch now. It was unkind and hurtful, and I am supposed to be there for her even in the hardest of times. I do wish she wasn’t such a bitch, though.” Because Anderson microdosed, he was only able to reach 50% empathy compared to an average woman his age. One of the sources (who asked to stay anonymous because he didn’t want his mom to find out he was doing drugs) declared, “It was healing as fuck.” Healing from what exactly is something scientists are still struggling to grasp. Having to wait longer than normal for the squat rack? Getting ghosted by a goth baddie? We may never know.
This data is great news for the pro-psychedelic community but rather ambiguous for the future of the male brain. Scientists have ideas of instilling empathy permanently in the male species, and the girlfriend community is unanimously on board (we asked three). Until then, all we can do is enjoy the temporary peace that is their post-trip enlightenment before they inevitably start another podcast about the next meme coin they’re investing in.