Student Adds “Entrepreneur” to LinkedIn After Selling Cutco Knife at Strip
Many titles are being thrown around liberally nowadays. It seems like anyone that drives longer than six hours home suddenly becomes more versed in travel than their buddy who backpacked Europe. This new wave of false overachievement is in full force with Thanksgiving break and the impending family member life updates it entails. Students everywhere are being forced to reevaluate their collegiate involvement, just to get an edge over their “perfect” cousin Jennifer and finally earn the first piece of pecan pie. For some, they decide to take their accomplishment-driven spirit one step: selling questionable knives at equally questionable establishments.
“I don’t call this a pyramid scheme because it makes me sound like a loser from the Raiders of the Lost Ark. It’s technically multi-level marketing, and I’m only losing like $100 upfront instead of $10 of every product sold. Besides, I just made my first sale at the Strip the other day,” bragged freshman Zach Fisher, while carefully curating his LinkedIn profile in preparation to invest his monthly food budget into another multi-level company, RippleMatch. “They were probably completely shit-faced but a sale is a sale. I guess you can call me an entrepreneur now; actually, I’m going to update my LinkedIn right now. What’s another word for creative, by the way?”
“Bro, I got these knives in the mail the other day. I have never cooked a day in my life, but I guess I could mess with my roommate and cut up his soap or something. They also came with a pamphlet to like, sell some too. I just have to pay, like, a thousand dollars for an entrance fee, but that’s way cheaper than going to Grad school,” said the worst guy on your freshman hall, Bradley Post, while Snapchatting his knives in tasteful poses and interactive filters. “All of my frat brothers are telling me that I shouldn’t go through with it because it’s a ‘scam,’ but honestly, it came with another packet that told me I could be a self-made man. I always wanted to get in on all that money Trump was talking about.”
As oversharing and bragging moves from Facebook to LinkedIn, students and professionals alike are milking every synonym for “professionalism” to boost their resume. Whether students are showing off a third unpaid internship or applying to their new “part-time brand ambassador” position at JoAnn’s, LinkedIn mainly remains another vessel for bragging to your family members this holiday season. For some, this insane level of networking may lead to actual profit, but for others, LinkedIn will remain an endless cycle of endorsing your friends’ “proficiency” in Microsoft Office. But for now, would anyone be interested in making a small purchase of $2,000 dollars to guarantee a lifetime of well-cut food?