“This Weather Gave Me a Cold” Says Freshman Who Hasn’t Washed Sheets All Semester

The average temperature has slowly dropped to what the rest of the country calls “fall,” and students are nearing the end of the 15-week hell that is the semester. As the sun vanished from sight and the temperature dropped below 60 degrees, locals everywhere were left in a frenzy as they threw on every piece of warm clothing they could find and were unable to contain their excitement about finally being able to wear that parka from their senior year trip to New York. As the weather begins to shift, a flurry of sickness has arrived on campus seemingly out of nowhere. As students lined up outside the University Health Center sniffling and sneezing by the dozens, many were looking for something to blame. For Freshman Jake Jackson, the weather, despite not having washed his sheets all semester, “absotively” caused his cold.

“The damn weather did this to me,” Jake said blowing his nose on his Patagonia jacket sleeve before wiping it on the jeans he hasn’t aired out since buying them at Target last August. “It’s the only reasonable explanation since I have an infallible immune system. I never got sick at home, where my mom would do everything to keep me alive and functioning. And besides, I wash my hands, like, every time I use the bathroom. I read online once that rapidly changing temperatures can mess with your immune system. Since I grew up in South Florida (read: Miami suburbs), this temple of a body is just not used to these wicked cold temperatures.”

“Dude hasn’t washed his sheets all semester. It's disgusting, and I don’t think I can handle another 15 weeks of it,” lamented Jake’s roommate, Robert Sniffer, while plugging his nose and spraying Febreze towards Jake’s side of the tiny dorm. “He eats, sleep-sweats and does God only knows what else on those sheets, but they've never made it within a foot of a single tide pod. I can only imagine what hellish bacteria is growing underneath that comforter, yet he dares to blame 50-degree weather for his cold. I’m studying Child Development, and I read that this type of behavior usually stems from what we in the biz call ‘failed parenting.’ In other words, his mom always did his laundry for him while he was still sleeping-in Saturday mornings, so he grew up believing they washed themselves.”

While the weather may have slightly impacted Jake’s immune system, it was his own hubris and lack of parental guidance that ultimately caused his downfall. Students like him should take a step back and look at the choices they have made every day and ask those around them how often they should be doing seemingly obvious hygienic tasks like showering or running a load of laundry. To everyone who woke up with that familiar itch in their throat this holiday season, for your sake and everyone else around you, please wash your damn sheets.