Fourth-Year Criminology Student Finally Puts Degree to Use by Committing Grand Larceny
The fall semester is finally nearing her ugly end. For seniors, this means getting that much closer to being dumped on their lil’ butts into the “real world” with nothing but a piece of paper and crippling student debt at their sides. To some, this would seem daunting, but for fourth-year criminology student Rascal Ocean, it is nothing more than another opportunity to flex the knowledge he learned in one of the top criminal justice departments in the country: how to commit the perfect crime. And unlike other recent grads who move back home with their parents, this one’s not about to be caught in the act...or so he thinks.
“‘Tis but a stepping stone in my grand path to becoming the greatest criminal mastermind this damn world has ever seen. Megamind is quaking. Don Corleone has no idea what’s coming. My mom is also worried but relieved that at least I’m not going to like, live in her attic,” said Rascal as he finished tying off the last red string on his corkboard, where he had mapped his scheme to rob a local CVS of its on-sale candy bars. “My classes have provided me with all of the necessary tools to abide by my calling: Substantive Criminal Law, CCJ 4662, and who could forget the pièce de résistance, ENC 2135. I can promise you my methods are much more calculated than that imbecile Joker’s ever were. I have never been more ready for anything in my so-far useless and uneventful existence.”
“I don’t think that Rascal entirely understands what we teach here in the criminology department. I once offered him some sage counsel during office hours to try and really delve into the psychology behind committing crimes, and he has since never been the same,” explained Rascal’s seminar professor, Dr. David Pincher as he adjusted the monocle on his crater face and rewound his VHS copy of “The Ted Bundy Tapes” for the fifth time. “He turned in his final, and it was just a detailed blueprint of a jewel heist that I’m pretty sure he ripped from “Ocean’s Fourteen.” I’m not even upset that he wants to pursue crime, I just wish he would stop telling people about it because he’s, beyond any reasonable doubt, going to be found guilty.”
Other criminology students agreed that this was nothing but another case of blissful ignorance by a misguided fellow crim student. Rascal was in for a rude awakening when his inevitable court case found itself in the lap of the very same people who peer-reviewed his fragment-ridden papers in class. After participating in this article, there’s no amount of “Zodiac” rewatches that could have saved him from being caught red-handed like the bad guy in a Scooby-Doo movie. Sorry, Rascal!