Freshman Wants Everyone to See That They’re Thankful for a Poorly-Drawn Dick on Residence Hall Bulletin Board
Just like five-year-olds, freshmen are unpredictable - trusting them alone with anything more dangerous than safety scissors is a public hazard. So, it’s no surprise that every board and residence hall decoration is ceremoniously defaced a week after it’s hung year after year. This Thanksgiving, first-years were quick to vandalize the “What Are You Thankful for” bulletin boards with all kinds of sick zingers about their disappointing genitalia. After all, it wouldn’t be a hall activity if there wasn't a select few, like Josh Dunn, demanding that everyone suffers through their cringe jokes.
“We got ‘em real good. Everyone loves a penis joke!” exclaimed Dunn as he wrote ‘Joe Mama’ on a poorly cut turkey card. “The boys love this stuff. It’s great to head out at 7:30 a.m. on my way to Bio for Non-Majors and see that everyone knows I’m thankful for my extraordinary big cock and balls. How could I not be? It’s the only thing that matters and the only thing I want to talk about in conversation. Well, that and the sick unmuffled Toyota that my mom bought me. When it gets late out and the boys and I are hitting the town, sometimes we do a little...redecorating. It’s not a successful night out until we vandalize the corkboard our RA slaved over and make fun of at least one ugly chick. Corey needs to know who runs this city!”
“I know I’m just a glorified babysitter at this point. I’m one incident away from childproofing everything in this hall,” admits Corey the RA as he scrubs ‘I FUCK BITCHES’ off of the ping pong table. “Yes, I have no people skills and only got this job because not enough guys applied this year, but that doesn’t mean my work shouldn’t be respected. Either my residents don’t understand that I have to pay for and set up every decoration myself or they don’t care. Either way, it hurts my feelings a lot. Sure, I signed up to do this and I don’t mind taping Dollar Tree streamers everywhere again and again, but I deserve respect. Or, at least, the poorly printed-out Captain America does.”
Corey has not known peace since he started this job last semester. He is still hanging posters for Safe Sex Tips and demeaning the freshmen with Disney birthday decorations. Yet, he wishes that one day, first years will learn to not act on their feral impulse before their junior year. Much like any person who respects their mom, he fantasizes about a world where no one sets off the fire alarm after burning Easy Mac at two in the morning and hallmates stop sleeping with each other. There’s no way for him to prevent that same strand of mono from going around to all of his residents, but alas, he must persevere. In the meantime, Corey must report a certain dank smell present in the hallway and remain content with dicks and disappointment.