Stuffing an Eighth in the Turkey Guts Makes for a Happy Danksgiving
Ever since Martha Stewart and Snoop Dog renewed their vows and their cooking show, the holiday season has hit just a little harder. So, as students across the country go home this week to forget about the mass murder of millions of Indigenous people, it seems only fitting to light up a drumstick and chief. But unlike tryptophan in turkey, puffing in the stuffing isn’t necessarily legal in all 50 states yet. That’s why youths across the nation are putting their student loans to good use by inventing a new and exciting method for mixing their greens with their greeeens—without grandma catching on.
Anthropology major and Sativa-stan Dante Perez’s cannabinoid creation is one for the cookbooks after he stuffed his family’s turkey with not only thyme and onion but also an eighth of the freshest Super Lemon Haze. When scanning the Yelp page Perez made for his family’s home’s kitchen, (now aptly named “Dante’s Dank Inferno”) Perez was found in his own comments section boosting engagement by saying, “Best edibles in the county! Hands. Down. Who else is tricking their turkeys out like this kid? Grab a leg before Tía Rosa asks for seconds because this sh*t is going QUICK!” While Perez’s pop-up shop is slaying the suburban Yelp-scape with an impressive 4.5-star rating, investigators soon logged on to find some reviews that might burn Perez’ smoking hot rep. Upon refreshing, it was discovered that @RawrItsRosaXD had given the Inferno a scathing 4-star review; the account was then quoted commenting, “Dante, qué es Yelp? Es como Facebook? You need more ham, flaquito. Te amo xxx Titi Rosa.”
Outside of the home hasheries, this high-fat holiday is being celebrated in every abandoned childhood playhouse and corner of every community tennis court as the green spirit is forever omnipresent. Siera Park, Geography major and puff-puff-partner to Perez, opened up on her celebration of the high holy day between bites of a canna-buttered biscuit provided by a local hot spot, Dante’s Dank Inferno. “Not having to worry about the hourly security guard sniffing me out is definitely something to celebrate. This biscuit is essentially a vacation from my vacation because the fear of my mom opening the wrong empty lotion jar made it nearly impossible to be fully In-Di-Couch, if you know what I mean.”
While the culinary arts have always been an avenue for reaching a higher plane, students are only just now fusing their fatties with their foodies thanks to Instagram’s explore page exploding with 60-second holiday treat tutorials. So this holiday season, make sure to keep an open mind (and stomach) if your cousin approaches you with a “creation” that they hesitate to share their recipe on because you might just like it (or, more likely, the feeling it gives you 40-80 minutes later). And if you happen to be that cousin, whether you’re basting your bird with bong water or cutting your corn casserole with keef, make sure to always bake responsibly!