Drunk Boyfriend Wants to Know Why the Orchard on His Beer Is so Angry
Angry Orchard is the preferred poison of fall bitches and autumn e-boys everywhere. This “big boy’s Mott’s” has quickly become one of the most popular hard ciders in the country and now dominates seasonal parties where the goal is to get drunk in the classiest way possible. The capitalist villains at the Boston Brewing Company have even figured out that adding dumb, nonsensical flavors like “Rosé” not only delights idiot 19-year-olds but also compliments their godforsaken watermelon-flavored Juuls. However, the newest cuffed man on the block, Joshua Smoshua has some hard-hitting questions regarding this tasty go-go juice
“Why is the orchard so angry though? Like, who hurt them?” cried out local shitfaced boyfriend Joshua at the third Halloween party he has attended during the month of November. “I’m upset on their behalf now! This hard cider gives me such incredible joy at the moment, plus a splitting headache the next morning. What kind of Halloween monster would I be if I didn’t stand up for my favorite adult replacement for apple juice? I don’t know who or what hurt my cider, but I have my suspicions. Mike’s “Hard” Lemonade is always so jealous and vindictive. I’ve seen him scheming with that rat bastard Captain Morgan.”
“Yeah, maybe it was wrong to encourage this weird fixation and construct a bizarre murder mystery with different alcohols. It was a pretty good gag though, wasn’t it?” admitted mutual friend of a friend Douglas Dougathan. “I pretended to be Captain Morgan in our theatrical murder. We all pitched in to create an evocative narrative about how Angry Orchard has complex anger management issues that he projects onto those around him. That kinda spiraled out of control when we had to critically analyze mental illness and its portrayal in the media while we were all drunk off our asses. Joshua was really eating this all up. Maybe this kind of inaccuracy is why Apple Orchard is so mad?”
It’ll take more than a glass of water and an IV of Pedialyte to fix this disaster of a boy’s night out, but, as always, drunk boyfriend will be back at it again soon enough. Behavioral patterns say that it will take about another week for him to stare longingly at those glass bottles once more, pondering over whether or not the condensation is actually tears of fury. Granted, nothing is stopping him from rushing back to the siren song of apple cider.