Your Roommate Switched to Oat Milk, and It’s Like a Whole Thing
Just in time to inspire our New Year’s Resolutions (yes, it is November now, if you haven’t noticed), many among us have encountered the dreaded tragedy of a roommate going on a health kick. In what may feel like a pointed reminder that you didn’t actually keep your promise to go vegan in 2019, this tragedy often comes in the form of a breakup with dairy. Instead of suffering through daily bouts of lactose-induced shits like real Americans, the more intolerant among us have finally found the minute dietary change they can hide their countless Postmates orders behind - the adoption of creamy, oaty oat milk.
“Ever since my roommate started buying oat milk, things have been...different,” said sophomore Amber Vasquez as she jungle-slashed her way through the three-pound bags of spinach found in the shared apartment fridge. “Somehow her carton of Oatly always seems to find its way next to my half-gallon of Great Value 2%, no matter where I put it in the fridge. I think she’s trying to tell me something. Ever since she made the switch, she hasn’t listened to anything that wasn’t Vance Joy or The Lumineers, and she eats exclusively out of mason jars with a bamboo fork. I’m scared she’s gonna start brewing her own kombucha or ask if I want to go indoor rock climbing together.”
“I’m vegan,” said sophomore Sarah Lewis as she crouched down to adjust the straps on her Birkenstocks. “Basically vegan. Almost vegan. Well, like, I’m getting there. I still eat eggs. And fish if it’s wild-caught. But I read the headline of this article on Twitter about the dairy industry treating cows like prostitutes, and it really put some things in perspective. I’ve been team oat milk for two weeks now, and it just feels nice to really be doing something for the planet, you know? In my two weeks of vegan-adjacence, I’ve even considered buying donated human breast milk to lighten up my coffee. It’s what our bodies can actually digest, believe it or not.”
When it comes to finding your own bare minimum tactic for saving the sea turtles, the options are simple: either find a quirky, relatively minor lifestyle choice of your own to sprinkle into conversation (perfecting the at-home acai bowl or finding out what a superfood actually is, for example) or continue to eat your Honey Bunches of Not Oat Milk in silent shame. Regardless of what you end up choosing, remember that every small change makes a difference. This is especially true to your roommate, who will definitely be Venmo requesting you for using her Oatly in your Froot Loops.