Friend Who Eats Pizza When Drunk Is Still Vegan, Don’t Fight Her on That

There’s nothing quite like a Thursday night in Tallahassee when the sun goes down at 4:57 p.m. and the cans of Naturdays come out. It’s almost as if, for a single moment, we are all one when it’s AYCD at Bullwinkles—meat eaters and lovers of the Impossible Burger alike. Though that illusion of coexistence quickly fizzled out the moment a group of drunks crossed Tennessee to Gumby’s at 2 a.m. for a pizza that comes with two liters of coke and a box of pokey twists. Then it’s over for any living b*tch that gets in the way—even if that b*tch is a friend’s supposed dedication to ending animal cruelty. 

“I honestly don’t even remember eating it,” said Maggie Huntington, senior Philosophy major, and Vice President of the Vegans for Trump club at FSU. “I care about the environment and animals so much, like, I protest abortion on Landis whenever I get my period. So what if I eat four slices of pepperoni pizza once a week at 1 a.m.? It doesn’t take away from the shame I put on selfish students ‘running late’ when they refuse to sign my pledge to ban egg farming. And like, I’m blackout drunk every time I eat pizza, so it’s technically not really me eating it. I call the girl who eats it ‘Maggy with a Y’ so that anyone can tell the difference between whether or not I’m truly in control. So please, take these out-of-line questions somewhere else, and also only shop at co-ops.” 

“She’s always the one who orders it. She has 1,000 points on the Domino’s rewards app,” said Huntington’s best friend, Lilly Kerner, as she dipped her slice into a ranch dipping sauce infused with Pedialyte. “We go out one time a week, and she forgets how to act every single time. She once swore off beer because the cultures in yeast are “living” but then went home and downed an entire meat-lovers large pie with extra sausage. I mean she’s definitely a hypocrite, but who would I be if I pretended like the chocolate lava crunch cake that comes with her Domino’s gold status doesn’t hit different? I think she gets drunk at this point just to remember what cheese tastes like.”

If anyone is pretending cauliflower crust is good or reposting stories of critically endangered Puffins, let them do their own damn thing. However, if this person’s ego gets too big to fit in the Lyft home from one particularly dairy-centric night at Gumbie’s, pull out the photo evidence and put them back in their place. They are in fact NOT a vegan goddess, but merely a lowly worshipper. It’s hard to be a good little vegan when you’re surrounded by cheesy goodness, after all. Also, pizza is really good. Don’t forget that.