Beautiful Well-Rounded Woman Caught Dating Absolute Monster Man Once Again
Cuffing season is well over and done with, leaving photos of girls with their hands on their significant others’ chests in its wake. The caveat of this season? Wonderful, emotionally mature and gorgeous women getting undertaken by monstrous boys who think the bare minimum is their best. It’s a tale as old as time, and for every good-natured goddess ready to spread her wings there are ten little piss gremlins ready to drag her down into straight boy oblivion.
“I love my boyfriend so much! He’s so...nice!” exclaimed the stunning Nobel Peace prize winner-to-be Carrie O’Donnell as she stroked the unwashed hair of her lover, Topher Jace. “For our six month anniversary, I got him a limited edition vinyl of his favorite album and a card with a personalized poem in it. He didn’t get me anything, but I know he’s thinking about me some of the time and that’s really all I need to keep going. I actually love cleaning the stray pubes off of his toilet seat when I come over and I honestly just appreciate him fitting me into his busy schedule. Right next to ‘watching Youtube videos with the boys at 3 AM on a Wednesday’ and ‘maybe some homework’.”
“Carrie is the most wonderful person I have ever met in my entire life. I would die for her. More importantly, I would kill for her. Straight up - I would murder someone for this girl,” said devout best friend and supporter of women everywhere Kate Lancaster as she dealt with yet another one of her girl’s lil’ boyfriend breakdowns. “I just wish she would stop bringing home these guys. They’re completely underwhelming in the worst way. If I have to see one more Walmart candle wrapped in Arby’s coupons as an excuse for a huge milestone gift I’ll seriously lose my marbles. I totally get wanting to be dicked down consistently, but at what cost?”
Until the revolution finally happens, gal pals nationwide will just have to accept the fact that their girl will always be willingly caught dead with a guy who won’t ever wash his hands after using the restroom. They can only hope that their girlie comes to her senses and leaves this monster man for a different, more evolved monster man. But, let’s be honest, no one will ever be good enough for anyone’s bestie, and thus, the creature boys. C’est la vie - the girls just can’t win ‘em all.