“I’m Not That Type of Guy!” Says That Type of Guy
Every year a new guy will find a way to sneak his dirty little claws into an unsuspecting girlie’s heart. He might be an artsy boy with stained cargos or a guy that will surely make a good father to imaginary children and Labradoodle one day, but he will always find a way to somehow be a dick. Even the crème de la crème will find a way to mansplain making an Excel spreadsheet, but they’ll still insist that as they are not like the rest of those chauvinist pigs. Let’s forget about the f*ckboys who refuse to buy you Plan B when they “forget to pull out” and instead toast to all the good men who only sometimes forget how to treat women like fellow human beings.
“I’m just not that type of guy. All of my ex-girlfriends have told me that I’m a really respectful man to have been their ‘first,’’” said junior Creative Writing major Jack Kensington as he texted his mom about lady troubles and the hottest Cyber Monday deals at Target. “I have never once made a woman uncomfortable. Every time I ask my girlfriend if we can skip using a condom, she says ‘no,’ and then I only ask her three or four more times before I give up. It’s like, I only sometimes get frustrated when she doesn’t wanna blow me. But that’s life, ya know? I still love her and write full-on soliloquies about her tits in my weekly poetry workshop. She’s my muse, after all.”
“Oh, I am definitely that type of guy, but my bro, Jack, is a really sweet, good, kind-hearted dude. Forreal,” said Kensington’s roommate Kisher Fontene, Chi Phi’s retired pledge master, while ceremoniously blocking “ugly chicks” on his Instagram. “Jack is a sweetheart. If anyone is the douchebag here, it’s me! I probably have three different strains of Gonorrhea at this point, but I follow a strict ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy. I hear him asking for permission to touch his lady’s shoulder every night - like, okay dude, go off. What a legend! I usually just sit back and let the woman do all the work while I imagine some porn star riding me.”
Before anyone jumps the gun on what type of guy they want to spend their time with, they should know that because a man doesn’t want to be “that type of guy,” it means he most likely will be “that type of guy” in many different ways. It’s a powerful yet sexy woman’s job to call him the f*ck out and not allow ridiculous behavior to commence. Consent is one of the most important factors in a relationship whether y’all are just fucking or in a committed long term thing, so set those boundaries and destroy all men.
If you are in a relationship that feels unsafe or non-consensual, here is a link to a site that can help.