Myfitnesspal and 8 Other Toxic Apps to Cut out of Your Life Before the Year Ends
With exam season upon us, everything is quite literally going to shit. Even if you don’t have flu symptoms by now, you’re still probably at minimum two weeks behind on the lecture and realizing that maybe the kid next to you that sticks “Lush Ice” Puffs up his nose 24/7 wasn’t necessarily the greatest candidate to ask for notes. Since motivation is running dangerously near “college dropout” status, you’ll need to cut out as much of the bullshit as you can before this year ends. Lucky for you, we have the patron saint of purging, Marie Kondo, on our side, and we’ve done the hard work of deciding which apps no longer spark joy and simply got to go.
1. Myfitnesspal
Arguably the most toxic app; all she does is remind you that breathing air will be 50% of your carb intake for the week. “You haven’t logged your…” is possibly one of the most aggressive phrases in the English language, and this fitness bitch knows it. Instead, delete the app and relax, hun. It’s almost exam week; calories don’t count right now.
2. Canvas
It’s not like your professor posts grades anyway, so why be pressed about it? It is just Gary from Section 1 that is desperately trying to sell his study soup link.
3. Jason from Tinder
Oh, sister, you can do so much better than the guy that could’ve been patient zero for hand-foot-and-mouth disease at FSU. He deserves none of your time and his pick up lines were definitely from a 2009 Popsicle stick.
4. Grammarly
You already know you suck at writing, so why do you need an AI overlord to confirm it? There’s not even the slimmest of chances that you’ll successfully complete your APA style paper before the deadline, and everyone knows that grammar is the least of your worries when your professor is taking off 10% per day late.
5. Starbucks Rewards
You would think the grand reopening of the Strozier Starbucks would evenly split the coffee-based foot traffic up, but this app now only serves as a reminder of what once was (specifically, the Starbucks on Legacy that was converted to an Einstein’s.) You’re better off paying the full $4 for a lukewarm Caribou Coffee than facing the Strozier Starbucks on a double-star day.
6. Co-Star
It’s not really the best idea to substitute Jenny from the University Counseling Center with yet another manipulative app that guesstimates the placement of the planets to determine your mood of the day. While it may be nice to see if you were compatible with Jason or whoever, don’t let that determine what, or rather who, you can and can not do.
7. Google Docs ft. Fall 2019 Syllabus
Your professor is just as confused as you since the noticeable lack of a hurrication put a dent on their holiday plans just as much as yours. Opening up your google docs to see the unedited syllabus staring back at you is just going to ruin your week. Plus, your professor is either way ahead or somehow even more behind than previous falls, so you don’t need to follow the schedule anyway.
Chubbies Shorts from RetailMeNot
Good God, we can’t believe that this is something we have to tell you not to use. Nothing screams “superiority complex” like wearing shorts in winter. If your friend is one of these heathens, don’t even breathe in their direction until the weather is at least a crisp seventy. All they’re going to do is make fun of you for trying to preserve your body heat while they are literally going to get hypothermia shopping for novelty Chrismukkah shorts.
8. ESPN App
This app includes the latest score updates on Florida State Football. Need we say more?