Eggplant Horoscopes December 2019

The holiday season is in full swing, and that means that your qualified Astrological Defense Force at The Eggplant FSU is ready to offer some cosmic wisdom as you knock the year out. December is sure to be a month full of surprises, so tie up the laces on your Doc Martens and strap in—it’s going to be a bumpy, but jolly, ride. 

Aries

Tis’ the season to be horny, or at least that’s what the stars are saying for you this month, Aries. 2019 has been a whirlwind for you, so take this final stretch as a moment to embrace your inner bad gal and go to town. Slap some glitter on your eyes and command the room like we know you can. 

Taurus

Toro, we know you have zero skills when it comes to saving money. All of the sweet holiday deals sweeping through your favorite stores won’t help as you try your hardest to budget appropriately. This month, try to spend wisely in order to get those AirPods you’ve been dreaming of. You deserve this. 

Gemini

Step aside this month to self reflect and identify who you truly are. We get that your “friend group” left you out of the Secret Santa, so make some new friends who cherish your sweet ass. You love to look on the brighter side of life, so look just a little bit harder. You might find a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, or some pot, if anything.

Cancer

Shhhh, stop your worrying, little baby Cancer. Although you love deep talks with your pals, take some more time to tap into the inner workings of your own mind this month. Approach a new outlook on life that includes more beer, more sex, and more self-reflection. Try not to waste all of your money at Township this week though; the Das Mule isn’t worth it.

Leo

Leo, Leo, Leo. Calm the fuck down. We get that you love yourself and know what you want, but try to shut up and get some sleep. Go against the little gremlin in your brain that keeps telling you to buy yourself that extra pair of Vans and instead donate some money to that charity your old high school friend keeps DM’ing you about. It’ll be worth it in the end, kinda. 

Virgo

Oh, Virgo. You’ve been overworking yourself. Put down your laptop and pick up a Big Daddy Pretzel before exam week. It’s hard to finish every essay and study guide, but you’re smart enough. Stop bullet journaling for once in your life. Your parents will still love you regardless of your 89.5%.

Libra

You have so many choices, luv, but honestly, between spending another hundred dollars on the MadSo drink challenge or making sure you pass organic chemistry after failing miserably the first time...make sure you choose the latter.

Scorpio

We know you’re trying to be edgy since it’s like totally mainstream again, but did you have to wear shorts in 39-degree weather to prove that you’re some kind of badass? The only thing you’re going to catch this season is hypothermia and bad self-esteem.

Sagittarius

Woah slow down there, we get that turning 21 is fun and all, but is it worth drunk texting your ex after your second y-bomb? Relax and take some time to cleanse your body. You’re going to thank yourself when you wake up one morning and actually have your shit together.

Capricorn

Young, Cap. Why so serious? It’s good that you’ve dedicated this much time to raising money for whatever philanthropy event you’ve gotten yourself roped into, but what about dedicating some of that energy to yourself? Stop following the rules for once and post a picture on Insta with your titties out. You’re only 20 once. If your sorority social media chair messages you about it, leave her on ‘read.’

 Aquarius

You are so cool, Aquarius. So many people envy you and your own way of being unique, but it turns out some of your choices (read: those platform Air Force 1s) aren’t as unique as you thought they were. Try thrifting a brand new wardrobe instead this month if you want to continue to uphold your quirky style.

Pisces

Aw, little Pisces. It’s okay to be alone sometimes. When the holiday party rolls around, drink some eggnog and lock yourself in your room. It’s time for you to feel something. As for your grades, just keep bullshitting on your assignments and you’ll pass. You always do somehow.