Ambitious First Year Opening Restaurant in Degraff Hall Kitchen

With midterm exams around the corner, everyone seems to be doing everything in their power to avoid studying and being productive members of society. Some people finally clean their rooms after a semester of navigating through a sea of free shirts and “clean” jeans while others take a more novel approach. One particularly determined and not-yet-defeated-by-life freshman, Jordan Oliver, has decided to kick it up a notch by opening a table for two on the second floor of the godforsaken Degraff Hall.

“I got this inspiration from binge-watching all nine seasons of MasterChef Junior the first two weeks of the semester. Yeah, I definitely could have studied for my Physics midterm, but I just had the impulsive itch to find an exciting way to cry over half-cooked cheesy potatoes,” said Oliver, who pulled a tray out of the microwave to peel the label off of a warm, damp Kid Cuisine box. “I also figured I can make a quick buck or two since the restaurants in walking distance are overpriced or take eight years to just deliver soggy, unsalted fries. This might send you to the bathroom but at least it’s organic. I have a five-star Facebook review from my mom so I guess I’m in with the big leagues.”

“This kid has been in that kitchen for two consecutive days. Every time I try to go make pizza rolls, he goes on about how he’s the next Christine Ha and he calls me a peasant for eating 'poor man’s ravioli,'” mentioned DeGraff resident Derek Jones while looking up unique ways to make Maruchan Ramen. “Besides, the one person that actually dined in his ‘restaurant’ was this guy that came back from The Strip and wanted a free meal. Nobody's sure if he vomited because of the food or excessive alcohol he drank, but nonetheless, it was not a pretty sight. I heard the kid also got a five-star rating and was nominated for a Michelin Star but only through the Reddit reviewers section of the rating.”

Whether you have enterprising on your mind or not, don’t be that person that takes eight years in the kitchen or the one that stinks the hallway for the next three weeks. As if waking up every other week at 2 AM due to some normie forgetting to put water in easy mac isn’t enough, the floor perpetually reeks of post-strip disappointment and now, increasingly strange food combinations.