“I See Nothing Wrong With the Oscar Nominations This Year,” Says White Male
As awards season inches towards its annual grand finale, the Internet’s proverbial torches and pitchforks have been raised towards the recently announced Oscar nominations. In a year full of films with diverse and unique voices making it into the public discourse more than ever before, a majority of film “stans” were taken aback by these nominations’ lack of seasoning; and who’s surprised? Those who care way too much about an award show that means so little are bedridden with anguish, disgust and disappointment as a decaying panel of film elders decided once again to reinforce Hollywood’s power structures. Another year goes by where their favorite performances are snubbed in favor of less original, more white options. One man, however, has recently come forward to announce to the public that he and his white penis see nothing wrong with this year’s Oscars.
“I frankly don’t get what all the fuss is about,” said Tyler James Smith as he dusted off his weirdly large and expansive collection of “Pulp Fiction” DVDs. “People will never be satisfied no matter what. I mean, a movie called ‘Little Women’ is nominated for best picture, like, what more could they want? They should be happy to just be included, honestly. How many times do I have to say that they give out awards based on quality and not just for being a woman? Those privileged little snowflakes should just continue pleasuring themselves on Twitter and let the rest of us jerk it while watching Jumanji’ - because of that hot redhead. Not because of The Rock or Kevin Hart, I’m not gay, bro! Film Twitter will attack me if I mention a certain movie with the most nominations, but we all know that it deserves every one that it received and more!”
“Obviously, a white male doesn’t understand the problems with these nominations,” said Nancy Gray, a self-proclaimed expert on every obscure and almost unreachable indie film on Letterboxd. “Lupita in ‘Us?’ Snubbed. Greta Gerwig for director? Big ol’ snub. These idiots won’t even recognize Adam Sandler unless his movie includes at least twenty minutes of fart jokes. I haven’t even seen a majority of the movies that were nominated, but I follow multiple writers for Vulture on Twitter so I’m pretty sure I know what’s up. My favorite movie from last year? It was this experimental Swedish film you’ve never heard of that was shot all on a polaroid; so freaking cool. I thought at least this guy would be in solidarity with me over Adam Sandler being ignored, but once again, white men have left me disappointed but not surprised.”
The current condition of many fallen film nerds remains unknown at this time. It is unclear just how much damage the announced noms have done. The A24 forums are too quiet, American Spirit cigarettes sales are reportedly at an all-time low and the kids who raise their hands too much have stopped attending class altogether. What is known, however, is that whatever pain the nominations have inflicted upon the general public won’t stop any recluse from getting wine drunk and live-tweeting every time a millionaire makes a funny face or mentions climate change on national television.