Ex’s New Girlfriend Is...Sort of Like You?

There comes a time after every failed relationship when one player eventually moves on and meets someone new, no matter how many candle spell curses one tries to cast unto their future endeavors. This can be a hard pill to swallow, especially upon realizing that the dumpee’s replacement appears to be an advanced evolution of themselves. A newer, younger, bouncier cool girl, if you will. When this happens, it’s time to take a step back and wonder if you’re right: is your ex’s new girlfriend...sort of like you?

“I can’t even be mad because I guess we’re kind of like the same person. She’s like me but prettier and less loud off of half a bottle of pinot grigio,” stated famously recent ex-girlfriend Angelica Kapowski as she softly hummed along to Mitski’s discography and ran her fingers through her brand new bob. “I mean, I would probably do the same thing if I was emotionally ready this early-on and lacked any semblance of empathy. I thought that his new sweetheart and I were gal pals for life after we danced to “thank u, next” at a party last semester. But, hey! That’s just me. Not everyone holds Ariana Grande songs as sacred and binding as I do. I just hope he can differentiate us enough to not eventually break up with her too. That’s the circle of life, I suppose.”  

“I literally have no idea what she’s talking about. There are only like a couple of similarities between them that I couldn’t even list off the top of my head because they’re definitely not things that I pay attention to,” said Kyler Smithy as he hastily threw a ‘girlfriend lookbook’ into a month old pile of laundry. “Sure, they’re both into thrifting and both have a very dedicated shrine to Greta Gerwig, but what does that have to do with anything? My new girlfriend lets me text her back whenever it’s convenient for me, which is never, and just quietly follows me around at parties like one of those little kids on leashes at Disney until I’m ready to stop talking to my friends and go have sex with her, which I love. She’s completely different from my ex in that she has significantly less overall body fat and doesn’t notice that I forget to wear deodorant a good amount of the time.”

Imitation is the highest form of flattery, and you’re being flattered, baby. Take these revelations to the bathtub along with a face mask and a brand new depression-induced revenge body. Don’t forget to post “Glad He’s Gone” by Tove Lo on your Instagram story while you’re at it. Remember, if his new girlfriend is similar enough, you’re allowed to take it as a compliment. He’s obviously doing everything in his power to fill the void that was left behind after the two of you went splitsville. And that, friends, is a girl boss slay if we’ve ever seen it.