Entire Freshman Class Goes “Poof” After Eating So Little

After welcoming a new freshman class to Florida State University, something peculiar happened. On a dark and stormy night, a thunderous clap shook campus and hundreds of young students disappeared. After months of research, psychologists made an educated guess as to the root cause of this: truly incomprehensible eating habits, allegedly attributed to groupthink, or lack thereof. While most freshmen are known for their poor eating habits and disregarding the nutritional aspects of their health, no one could have suspected that one day, they would simply go poof. 

“I just don’t understand how this could have happened. My friend Sophie, bless her soul, really identified with the class of 2024. She was eating, at least, like three packs of fruit snacks a day,” said Becca Harold, a sophomore at Florida State, as she took another painstaking bite of her tortilla with mayonnaise. “Everyone has weird eating habits in college, and it’s crazy to think that it could have been me going poof. Who knows, though? One more day curbing my appetite with a nicotine stick could send me into the atmosphere.”

“Seminole Dining has been really helpful during this time,” said FSU senior Brian Gomez. “They’ve created special menu items inspired by the class going poof, like the ‘disappearing meat’ plate. There’s, like, no meat in it”, Gomez said through tears. Although everyone seemed thankful that Florida State has responded appropriately, it begs the question: what else can be done? “I think the school could implement some new dining options. Maybe we could have a chicken restaurant that doesn’t condone hate crimes to really inspire people to eat balanced meals. Whenever my friends want to go to Chick-fil-a, I just eat their straw wrappers dipped in ketchup. It would definitely be nice to eat a guilt-free chicken sandwich from time to time.”

Students are hopeful that Florida State may encourage freshmen to care, at least a little, about what they ingest in the future. Although unsure whether the class will unpoof, officials have been leaving those plastic wrapped peanut butter and jelly Uncrustables around campus to see if they may conjure up a lost freshman or two. Let this be a lesson for students of all ages to look at the food pyramid at least once a year and maybe consider drinking a tiny bit of water, even if it falls into your mouth while you shower.