Halloweekend 2020: Amazing For Being Slutty Inside
This year has provided quite a shakeup for everything we used to know and love. What used to be a weekend of celebrating God’s sexiest holiday with tits and ass on full display (like QVC has never seen before) has now been reduced to getting together with your roommates and hoping that the guy you’re not even that into throws your social-media-slay a fire emoji. While some people were busy ignoring the world’s problems and saying little things like, “when this is all over…” others were preparing for the best of the worst: being slutty indoors on Halloween.
“Oh, I’ve been prepping for this for months. Why would I pretend to believe that I could go to an uncomfortably steamy house party to look good for guys whose idea of a move is taking you out to Whataburger? I’d much rather be sexy in the safety of my own home and be slutty for everyone on the Internet,” said junior hot girl and catfish aficionado Casey Joplin as she applied Glossier to her already gorgeous lips. “Just like I’m sitting on my couch this Halloween, the girls (my boobs) are sitting on my chest. I’ll be drunk DM’ing back everyone who swipes up on my Instagram story and immediately feeling waves of nausea, regret, and a little bit of fear when I check my phone the next morning.”
The guys™ are a little more upset about the outcome of this year’s devilish activities. “So now what? I’m supposed to use my phone to secretly hit on girls who aren’t my girlfriend instead of doing it openly in public? There’s no fun in that,” said Alex Snipes, who was planning on using the occasion to paint his nails black so he could gaslight girls who listen to Mitski. “I’m not equipped for this. I usually just offer girls a sip of my Miller High Life--the champagne of beers--and let them talk about astrology while I figure out what insecurity I should hit on that’ll make them want to sleep with me. At least now no one can look through my bathroom cabinets and make fun of me for not owning a washcloth.”
All statistics and reports lead to an amazing Halloweekend filled with deliciously slutty photos taken in front of half decorated walls and LED lights. Girls, gays, and nonbinary slays, make sure to throw some support under everyone’s Mona Lisa this weekend. Guys, just stay out of the way and do your job: give us attention and then disappear until we manifest you again. Be safe out there, whores, and don’t forget to post ass online.