Friend Who’s Eaten Nothing but Shredded Cheese and Raw Cookie Dough Not Really Sure Where Their Mental Breakdown Is Coming From
As midterms have come and gone, some things have remained the same; 2020 still feels like one long “Fear Factor” episode, the football team is still disappointing, and students still think going to Pots is worth risking death. Everyone has a different way of coping with stressful situations, but Anna Richards takes the (cookie) cake: she’s eaten nothing but shredded cheese and raw cookie dough for six weeks. Where is her mental breakdown coming from? Who’s to say.
“When the semester started, I was really trying to make the best of it. After all, being online meant that my male classmates couldn’t mansplain basic information to me without unmuting themselves,” said Richards, a biology major and empty soul who has been in a rut since early September. The thought of having to go to school with no breaks next semester reminded me of “Shutter Island,” so I’ve just given into the prison that is my mind and have been eating nothing but Mexican blend cheese and Nestle cookie dough for the past 6 weeks. My mental state is worse than ever before, but I don’t think my diet has anything to do with it. If anything, my diet makes me feel better because both cookie dough and processed cheese trigger my brain like a line of cocaine.”
Becca Johnson, Richards’ roommate, has major worries about her malnourished friend. “I’m telling you, Anna literally has scurvy. Her gums are receding faster than Prince William’s hairline. She honestly looks and sounds like “Salad Fingers” with none of the salad and all of the salmonella. I watched her get up at 2 A.M. and eat shredded cheese with a fork. Normally, she’d just do some party drugs and rage at ‘Cess six nights a week, but the pandemic has stolen that right out of her sticky little hands. At first, I thought she had COVID and couldn’t taste anything, but it turns out that she was just scarfing down cookie dough and shredded cheese because eating them together is like doing a Jägerbomb of serotonin for your brain.”
No matter which way you cope with the craziness that is this school year, make sure you are taking care of your health, both mentally and physically. Just because 2020 has removed every single thing that makes our lives worth living doesn’t mean that we should give up on our quest for happiness and success. Don’t be afraid to treat yourself in these sad sick times; just maybe think twice before single handedly devouring a toll house cookie roll like sushi.