E-Boy Wants To Know if You’ve Ever Heard of Edgar Allen Poe

A title only once whispered on the depths of the internet has now taken the back seat in the shadows of your fine arts classroom. Perhaps you saw the painted nails first. Possibly, it was the jarring middle part down the very center of their k-pop stanning noggin that caught your eye. Or maybe, just maybe, when trying to strike up a friendly conversation, he whipped out a copy of ‘The Raven’ faster than a cowboy wacked out on adderall would draw his firearm. Waving it tantalizingly under your nose, his voice will drop exactly five octaves deeper as he asks you: “ever heard of Edgar Allen Poe, baby girl?”

As with the works of Poe, depression has run rampant through youth culture, finding itself a staple of the alternative community. Reagan Arrocha, a graduate student writing her thesis paper on the subject, finds the connection between e-boys and their now revered messiah, an 1800’s mentally ill poet, utterly fascinating. “It’s amazing, really. In an attempt to be taken seriously, besides idolizing big-tittied anime girls, they’ve now latched onto the one American historical figure they think can make them be perceived as intelligent and cultured. Of course that would be Poe, and of course, it’s pretty hot. Reading is hot.”

This kind of encounter has left many-a-student rattled, and many female english majors and underpaid professors pretty pissed off. Nico Allbright, a self-proclaimed e-boy who agreed to be interviewed as long as he could smoke the rest of his Pall Malls in peace, confirms this as an adopted belief. “Here’s the thing,’ he said, putting out his third cigarette after one pull. “Daddy Poe, he was different. He really had a knack for loving the darkness in and around him in a way that was just pure art. I can relate to that. Like him… I don’t fit in. And I don’t want to fit in.”

When asked if Jughead Jones from CW’s “Riverdale” was a likewise cultural icon for the e-boy community, Allbright suddenly proclaimed he had to go pick up his Zoloft prescription. He promptly pulled a skateboard out of his ass and wheeled away, Vans shoelaces fluttering in the wind. In regards to the mansplaining running rampant throughout FSU’s campus, Psychology majors have deduced this is as a recurring, startling symptom in the e-boy agenda. They report that the fact that 2020 has been ‘absolutely fucking packed with angst’ has greatly contributed to the cultural spread of their ideals.