Eggplant Horoscopes November 2020

While it’s certainly no secret that the year of 2020 has been an absolute shit show, one can still look to the future for some spiritual guidance. Whether you’re down in the dumps over election nerves, your professor who hasn’t put in grades since Labor Day, or anxious about having to talk politics with your family during the Holidays, your astrological team at The Eggplant is here to save your sanity. 

Aries

Sweet, sweet Aries. You’re too good for so many people. And yes, that includes your ex. We’ve read into your future via the stars and we must inform you that they are woefully absent from it. Don’t even think about telling us we’re wrong about that. We’re not. Besides, there are bigger things to worry about! Like that promotion at work or planning to go after your racist neighbors when everything goes to shit next week.

Taurus

Taurus the Bull, I regret to inform you that you’re going to have to stop charging your bright red debit card for the sake of your family desperately trying to get you a Christmas gift you don’t already own. It’s now time to start creating your annual itemized wish list of material goods you think will get you through another holiday argument. As the season changes, try to set your intentions on pulling out your cold weather wardrobe and stunting at the grocery store rather than cuffing another piece of arm candy to keep you warm, you know you’ll get bored by New Year’s.

Gemini

Your sign represents the cosmic twins, Gemini. We’re not saying you ate your twin in the womb or anything--just think of it as a symbolic representation of the different sides to your personality. Sure, some would traditionally call this being “two-faced” but those people are just haters! Come on, bitch. Don’t let those dummies dull your holiday glow. Spritz some Bath and Body Works Winter Candy Apple body mist and own it. 

Cancer

Cancer, you pesky little crab, you. We know that winter isn’t exactly your forte--you are, afterall a summer queen. Whatever you do, don’t let that seasonal depression get you down! Find a new hobby to keep yourself occupied, like cross stitching, yoga, or shitposting on twitter. Whatever you choose, we know you’re going to be the best at it! And if you’re not--please don’t cry too hard. The world’s depressing enough as it is.

Leo

Leo! We’ve missed your shenanigans this past month. Why were you so down? Perhaps the stars could explain it, although we’d actually have to be qualified in order to do that. Regardless, the future is shining bright like a batch of fresh snow (does that make sense? I’m from Florida). Dust off your dancing shoes and chug some throat coat, because this Thanksgiving is the perfect opportunity to force your family into watching that one woman show you’ve been working on since 2009. 

Virgo

Oh, silly little virgo. Even you cannot organize absolutely everything going on during this crazy time. Whether it’s your iphone storage calling you ugly or that time you had your mic turned on in a zoom and everyone heard you cry to that one Harry Styles song, this too shall pass. I see you romance in your future! Just kidding, but that would have been cool. Maybe if you let at least, like, one person help you in the next month then you could build a new meaningful relationship. Make some time for self care and order something to eat just like you do every other day. Kisses! 

Libra

Baby girl, you don’t need to be nice to everyone. Not everyone deserves your kindness. It’s about damn time to block your racist uncle Richard for your well being--even if you have to see him at Thanksgiving. You might be feeling a little bit of imposter syndrome but don’t forget that it’s hard being the sexy and smart friend, keep your chin up love, you got this.

Scorpio

Dude, you have to chill out. Everyone has to chill out, but you especially need to take some major cool down time. The world is not your friend, but it is also not out to get you at all times of the unholy daylight savings day! Put that Scorp stinger away and curl up with a pint of Coldstone ice cream and a Holiday movie or two.

Sagittarius

We know the election wore you out, Sag. You take on everyone else’s frustrations and project them onto your own life, making you one giant, sexy ball of anxiety. Try to chill out a bit now that things are looking up. Maybe plan a weekend getaway to somewhere relaxing, like the mountains or a glacier (again, I’m from Florida so I don’t know what any of this means). Grab your bffs and your trendiest trenchcoat and don’t look back. 

Capricorn

Hello again, Capriqueen. We know that your, “I must fix this” complex is kicking in right now, but you just can’t let that get to you. No amount of Vitamin C supplements or packed out Google Calendars could fix the world in its current state. Continue your one man fight to get everyone around you to watch the Amazon Original, “The Boys” and let the election results come in on their own. It’ll be slow (which will absolutely kill you, and you will want to do it yourself) but unfortunately, Cap, that’s just the way. 

Aquarius

Aquarius Aquarius Aquarius. Sometimes ignorance really is bliss, so maybe you should try it. This may sound impossible, but take one thing this week, and don’t think logically about it! Really step into the shoes of someone dumb as an exercise about empathy. Everything’s gonna be ok, but you already know that. Something that would really help you out this week is watching a really simple and feel good show (no, not Friends, nor The Office). That way, you’ll free yourself from the shackles of only doing work 24/7!

Pisces

Buddy, it’s going to be okay, it’s not just you, and Tinder isn’t going to make it better. As all your emotions begin to bubble to the surface like a freshly cracked White Monster™ it’s important to take some time to be alone. Take a moment to yourself in your little fish bowl and just chill out and listen to your favorite music...okay just because you listened to this song with them...I know you miss them but...oh you already texted them...whatever, just be safe.