Guy at Party Really Wants to Smash Tonight; Not You, Though
There’s truly nothing more exciting than the party planned for Friday night. All your friends will be there, and the thought of some new eye candy showing up is enough to make you get your coochie waxed just to be safe. After prepping for hours with your girls and bodying three shots of an unknown substance, it’s time to approach the backyard littered with dog shit and PBR cans. Basically, the poor man's Bachelor cocktail party. After “flirting” with the new guy with bleached hair and an unidentifiable thigh tattoo, he announces that he’s really hoping to get laid tonight. Obviously, you’re pumped, and your body is majorly tingling where you got the Brazilian. But as the night goes on, it becomes increasingly clear that he’s looking to get laid with anybody … but you.
“I swear to god he was giving me all of the signals!” scoffed sophomore Chemistry major Brittney Jenkins, while wiping off her Glossier lip gloss and adjusting her floral tube top. “It’s like all my friends were giving me the ‘you’re gonna get dick tonight’ face, and then he announces he’s trying to fuck someone else right in front of me? I really can’t catch a break. He told me I have beautiful eyes and the purest soul, but then turns around and tells me he wants to have sex with literally any other chick at this party? Even the one with braces? I don’t get it! Is it because I’m above a size 34 in Levi’s?”
“When she said she wanted to get with me, I was seriously in shock. Like, you thought I was flirting with you? I was just casually touching your waist and making intense eye contact during our conversation. Nothing more, nothing less,” said senior PoliSci major and huge fucking tease, Jonathon Biggs, while downing a Modelo and looking at your lips. “It’s not that I go to parties intending on finding a girl to bring home and bang eight times in a row; it just happens. But I seriously did not want that average looking girl who would absolutely be wifey material if I was ready for someone like that or starting to bald. Nope, I just want a thotty with a body.”
It’s not uncommon for this sort of thing to happen at a party. Unfortunately, women tend to crush on the same unworthy man time and time again. Either these guys need to stop flirting or they need to take you home so you can shut up about being so lonely all the goddamn time. I guess it’s better to end up alone in your room with a full pie of Papa John’s then in the crusty bed of a guy who thinks it’s okay to fall asleep watching “Dexter.” Good thing you burned off the calories standing for five hours in a patch of dirt talking to his lame ass. Worth it.