No One Objects to You Taking the Group Picture
You know it’s coming. The ultimate test of your worth to the new friends you made at the first honor society outing or the third-floor of your dorm’s night out on the town. You’re dreading the horrid but socially mandatory group photo that comes with every get-together, whether it’s at the beach, Westcott Fountain, or the hollowed-out shell of the former Lucky’s Market (RIP). If you don’t volunteer yourself to be the one to take the group picture of all the girls pyramiding in the fountain, they’ll think you’re crazy. You don’t know them like that. So, instead, you volunteer yourself with the voice-trembling bravery of Katniss at the reaping, knowing you’re about to discover you’re either one of them or are basically a stalker that just gets invited to make sure everyone gets your Instagram likes.
“I remember the first time I offered to take a group photo because it happened to be the last time I ever left my house. It was a birthday party I was invited to by the best friend of the birthday bitch. I really thought I had made some long-lasting friendships in only a few short social elevator speeches,” said brave soul Madison Smith, whose name has been changed for the safety of her already dying reputation. “After a while, I forgot all about how I was dreading the high-pitched phrase that slices through the air like a steak knife, ‘Ooooo should we take a group picture?’ I didn’t hesitate for one second before offering to take it, damn sure I’d hear a deafening outcry of boos if I insisted on being included for just once in my life. But faster than a jeopardy contestant screaming “What is SAD disorder,” I heard a quick confirmation that I do not matter enough to take up space on some girl’s iPhone XS Max.”
“If I had a dollar for all the photos I'm tagged in on Facebook but not physically in, I’d be able to buy friends that don’t just bring me around to comment the camera emoji under every single photo my ‘friends’ have posted. I learned my place in this world the time I offered to take the group photo, but the random guy we just met at the bar simply had to be in the pic. Some girl in the group wearing a self-cut Nirvana crop tee didn’t waste a millisecond before shouting ‘Okay Ashley will take the picture, everyone line up face to ass,’” recounted Michaela Keller, who’s used to being saved into people’s phones with “photo” as her last name. “The joke is on them, though, because I now do weddings and pregnant women cradling their bellies. I can finally say I get paid to do what began as a crushing social rejection.”
Although it’s a horrible feeling to be tapped to take the group photo (the most ancient and deepest form of shade), it’s not much worse than standing on the far left of the group (your bad side) not knowing what to do with your noodle arms. And God forbid you’re included in a “funny face” picture. Life is full of photo ops, and sometimes you’ll be in them and most times you’ll be taking them. So suck it up, bitches, because it’s a part of life. Plus, the only photos you get to be in that truly matter are the ones that are just different angles of your dog sleeping.