I Lived It: Had FOMO So Bad I FaceTimed Into a Party

Everyone talks about “FOMO” and how Fear of Missing Out is totally a thing and how they definitely have it. They sit in their cozy little beds at home, daddy’s Disney+ subscription playing in the background, and wah-wah cry about not going to a function because they “have work in the morning” or because they, “weren’t technically invited.” Me? I’m at every single event that ever happens ever because I’ll physically crumble into dust if I miss out on even one story I’ve heard before about someone making out in a bathtub. Naturally, I had to tune in via iPhone app when I discovered I wouldn’t be present for yet another effervescent night in someone’s greenlit living room. 

I was sitting there not minding my own business when I checked the clock that I’d been watching for literally hours and noticed it was the peak party hour: 11:30 P.M. It wasn’t my fault that I had to go out of town on one of the many weekends when a function was taking place. I’ll be honest, I saw the Facebook page a few days in advance, and it really set me back emotionally when I had to click the “can’t go” button. I mean, part of me was exhilarated about even the slightest chance of people wondering why I wouldn’t be there. Do they care about me? Will someone start a rumor about my absence? How am I supposed to hear about everyone who’s trying molly for the second time and what crazy antics they’re getting into because of it? These questions left me with no other choice than to FaceTime into the function. 

I scrolled through my massive contact list of best friends and haphazardly selected Sarah. I knew that she would be on her phone because, duh, who wouldn’t be with the regular shitty crowd at these functions? I hit the FaceTime button and had her walk me around the entire house to make sure that people saw my face and didn’t forget that I existed as a person. Everyone was so drunk and so much more excited to see me than they would have been normally, but honestly, my service was so bad that my face was probably too pixelated to even discern from anyone else’s in the room. She just toured me around like a last-minute science fair project until the girls inevitably came by to take a group trip to the bathroom. Those moments are sacred, so that was my cue to hang up. 

I’m not proud of what I did. If you’re experiencing FOMO as severe as mine you should probably consider seeking help from some sort of specialist, like your mom or your best friend before she’s too drunk off of a BudLight Seltzer to answer your relentless requests for party updates. There is hope, and it’s called getting your ass in gear and taking Tallanasty by storm the moment you get back in town to make up for precious time lost. Everyone will absolutely forget who you are after they don’t see you at this function, so make sure that it’s tits out for the next one.