High School Boy Thinks It Would Be “Pretty Awesome” If He Grew Mustache Over the Summer
Sophomore year of high school is a particularly awful one. Kids get their driver’s licenses and immediately start giving each other handjobs in movie theater parking lots. It is the true starting point of teenage rebellion. With everyone going through so many major life changes, there is a massive pressure to seem mature. This seems to create intense delusions, especially in young boys who don’t yet have a grasp on their biological limitations. One sixteen-year-old boy, in particular, has been heavily affected by this evolutionary struggle.
“I just think it would be hilarious. Imagine if I came back junior year and had a fucking sick ass mustache. Like one of those that you curl the tips and look like a crazy magician or some shit,” said Anthony David, a high school sophomore whose life dream is to own a cool ass club where girls show their boobs. “I would walk into school, and everyone would be like ‘Yo, who let the grown man in here?’ It would be so awesome, bro. Stephanie would probably really like it too. I would walk up to her and be like, ‘What’s good, Stephanie?’ Then she would be like ‘Woah Anthony, that’s a sick-ass mustache,’ or like something along those lines. Brian just got a mustache, though, so I don’t want people to think I’m a copycat.”
“Andrew’s cool, but he needs to stop talking about this mustache stuff. It’s like, super embarrassing. I mean, the dude is five foot two. He says he’s joking, but I know that he’s not,” said Caleb Jones, Anthony’s lab partner whose girlfriend is a junior, so he gets to go to prom this year. “I’ll say it now: if he comes back next year with some wispy creep mustache, you won’t see me around him. I’m not alone in that, either. The boys have been talking, and we’ve been planning an intervention. Junior year is when people start going to makeout parties, and no one is going to make out with him if he has a caterpillar on his lip. Brian can pull it off, but he already has like chest hairs and stuff. He basically looks like a 17-year-old already. He goes to R-rated movies all the time, and he never gets carded. Well, except for at the AMC, but they're, like, super strict there.”
Andrew is not alone in his struggles. It seems that, at that point in life, everyone becomes unbearable. Whether it’s listening to Chance The Rapper or getting really into “That 70s Show” (or another unbearable 90s sitcom), the 15 to 16 age range does nothing but spawn interests and habits that will be mortifying in two years. Luckily, Andrew’s dad gave him an old rusted Gillette razor, so he will not be experimenting with facial hair anytime soon. Little does Andrew know, kids will start doing drugs soon. And if he thinks not being able to grow facial hair alienates him, he’s in for a real surprise. At least for now, he should enjoy being a baby boy.