Local Girl Still Trying to Pick up Phone She Dropped on Recess Floor Friday Night

In this world, women undoubtedly have it harder than men. Forget sexism - the real crime is scientists’ inability to invent practical pant pockets that are accessible to a majority of women. This means that when the girlies hit the town, most have to pray that their friend Kristina brought her purse (like she usually does) so they don't have to resort to holding their phone in their hand all night like a lunatic. We've all been there. Brad left you for a girl who could buy that top at PacSun without it going on sale, which means it’s time for your “friends” to make you get drunk enough to forget Ashlie ever existed. For Jessica Lint, it was another one of those nights, but this time, she took one of God's greatest gifts for granted.

"If you people could please watch your step! Every time I try to pick up my phone I get bumped into, and it disappears into the void again," said scared shitless sophomore, Jessica Lint, while prying her chunky shoe off of the sticky floor to keep looking for her phone. "It's been almost a week now–all I've had to drink since Friday is Recess pool water. I’m growing weaker by the minute. Please send help. Kristina forgot to bring her purse, so I was stuck holding my phone like a psycho until some weird frat guy knocked it out of my hand and onto the hellish realm that is this floor. At least I haven't had to interact with Brad in six days."

"This is a serious issue that will be attended to as soon as possible and with the utmost efficiency," said Don Howard, assistant general manager at Recess. "As soon as the line dies down, I'm sure that Jessica and our staff will quickly be able to find her phone, and she can finally go home. It's company policy that under no circumstance can we stop overcharging people trying to get in to help someone inside, and frankly, I am not willing to break this just to help some entitled Zoomer. Back in my day, we were resourceful and just had another friend page us so we could follow the sound of our beeper. Hopefully, this will teach her the important lesson of keeping her ringer on."

Tell all your friends, family, and former group project members that you love them every chance you get, because you never know when their contact information could be lost forever. After this ordeal, Jessica's heart felt as though it were stepped on just like the damn phone she wasted so much valuable time trying to save. This tragedy is a reminder to everyone of the importance of keeping your friends close, but your phone closer. Alternatively, be the change you want to see in the world and become the friend that brings the purse for once.