22-Year-Old Spinster Moves out of the Sorority House, Into Nursing Home

There comes a day in every family’s life that they must decide what to do with their most decrepit and useless members. It is a hard decision for anyone to put someone that they love in a nursing home, even though they know it’s the best option because said family member cannot stop being racist in public. Today was that day for the sisterhood of Omega Lambda Delta (or OLD if you’re just being rude). Senior and treasurer Jenna “Slut” Roberts, upon turning 22, was sent from her pink canopy bed to her death bed. 

“Jenna hasn’t had a boyfriend since summer 2019 when she did an internship at NASA. She wanted to devote more time to ‘preserving her legacy as Rivercreek High’s 2016 valedictorian’ and getting her degree in aerospace engineering,” said self-described ‘wine mom friend’ and overall bitch, Amethyst Clark. “By November, the other girls in the house had started to worry if she was even going to get engaged at Cascade’s before graduation rolled around. I even saw her drinking a regular, not diet, soda while calling her mom to tell her she made President’s list. This answered the question as to why she hadn’t been wearing her Florida State t-shirt converted to a tube top recently. She has been single for so long that she doesn’t even answer to her expertly crafted nickname ‘Slut’ anymore.”

“She started talking about doing more fundraising events and less clubbing because it was more fiscally responsible,” said fellow sister, Tiffani Jameson. “That’s when I realized something was really wrong.” The sisterhood made the executive decision to go to Recess and then discuss what to do with Jenna last Friday night. After they had left and said “woo!” The customary 2,000 times, everyone sat down on the rug for circle time. “It’s hard to face the reality that someone you took so many brunch boomerangs with is simply not there anymore,” said one indistinguishable blonde. “My sister who was known for taking her shirt off at every function is now trying to plan her post-secondary efforts,” said another. Then and there, the vote was unanimous that Jenna needed to find somewhere to spend the rest of her boring, un-intoxicated days.

The sorority went with the best nursing home that dues can buy. It is located underneath the basement of Strozier library, so the other girls can visit her when they are discussing their psychology midterms over a venti pink drink. In the home, Jenna was nicknamed Jenna “Sentient Corpse” Roberts by the other residents. She seemed to be adjusting well and says she “actually enjoys the quiet time to study for her 20-hour course-load.” The sorority sisters have found peace knowing that their chubby, single, sister was somewhere where she can’t hurt herself or the sorority’s image.