Kid With Rich, Supportive Parents Is “Just As Mad” About Not Getting a Government Stimulus Check

When it was first announced that every citizen of the United States would receive a stimulus check of $1200, people rejoiced at the idea that they would be able to give all of that money right back to their landlords and college loan payments. Until of course, they discovered that this somewhat helpful sum of money wasn’t even being offered to anyone in the “hot girls for Bernie” demographic, let alone deserving, tax-paying immigrants. Obviously, the richest person you know is super pissed off about it. 

“Yes, I get an allowance every week to use on food, gas, and whatever the hell else I want, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get to be just as mad as my friends who are scraping by with back and forth Venmo transfers,” said Mark Lakes, son of a lawyer and proud Etsy shop owner, as he blew his nose with a five-dollar bill and sent out yet another awesome and unique Instagram story about politics. “I could’ve used that money to buy even more Supreme hoodies the second they drop and resell them to other idiots who get even more money from their rich parents. I’m so upset for me and all of my friends. What we are going through is exactly the same.”

“Mark wants to be poor so bad,” said Ashley Jenson, a claimed dependent on her parent’s taxes, as she tried to make rent by taking online surveys. “He’s always walking around preaching about how this all sucks so hard for everyone, but he’s literally still hooking up with his ex-girlfriend who traveled out of the country like last week. Plus, I know his parents refill his bank account whenever it slips below $100, which is often. Basically any problem he could have, he doesn’t.” Ashley is famously painting and selling pictures of curvy figures with lightly outlined breasts in order to beg her friends for $5 in a slightly more subtle manner. You can find them on her separate art account, which she just made. 

There’s no right way to tell your rich friends that they’re being inconsiderate. The least they could do is pretend to want to buy you a snack when they drag you to pick up their once-a-day takeout meal with them. Maybe just smile and gently remind them that you and your parents are no longer working or something chill like that. Keep on good terms, though, just in case you want to use their pool next summer.