Friend From High School Wants to “Smoke Weed” With You
You try your best to avoid thinking about it. Staying home helps. However, when you open Instagram, it’s all you see. You’d think that a worldwide pandemic would put somewhat of a damper on this “holiday,” but weed smokers are an unstoppable force. You try not to be completely cynical. You’ve definitely smoked a fair amount of ganja in your life, but it’s not something you’d ever celebrate. You wouldn’t be caught dead wearing marijuana leaf sunglasses - and God forbid if anyone ever saw you wearing a tie-dye shirt and Tevas. Aside from leap day, this is definitely the tackiest day of the year. You can’t wait for it to be over, but it doesn’t seem like you’ll get to escape any time soon. Why, you ask? Your phone has been blowing up with various friends from high school trying to smoke weed with you.
“Happy holidays you crazy motherfucker. How have you been, dude? How’s Tallanasty? I would love to link up and catch up over a fat ass bowl,” said Jeremy Bachman, your former lab partner and Kid Cudi’s self-proclaimed “biggest fan.” “I got a special surprise for you. I got a new bong! It’s got like hella chambers and bowls and shit. It’s pretty sick. Oh shit, I forgot the best part. You can put ice in this thing. Hell yeah, so you can take the biggest fucking milkiest rips, and you don’t feel shit. You know, I got a ton of weed. I got all the different strains too. I got like fifteen lighters. You could say I’m pretty prepared. Anyways, can I come to your house? My grandma gets pissed when I smoke in the house, fucking bitch I hate her so much.”
“I just don’t like it when he does that stuff. It would be different if he had a job or was a functioning member of society, but he’s not,” said Audrey Bachman, Jeremy’s grandmother and all-around sweet angel of a lady. “Every day, he sleeps until three, eats four pop tarts, chugs a Dr. Pepper, steals money from my purse and then leaves and doesn’t come back until I’m already fast asleep. I know he’s just out there smoking dope and hanging out with his no-good friends. You’d think with everything going on right now, he’d stay home. Nope. He’s still out and about every day. I try to stop him. I try to tell him that with my medical history, I am extremely at risk. He doesn’t budge. He just says that people ‘expect him to be out,’ which I seriously doubt.”
You quickly tell Jeremy that he can’t come over. However, that doesn’t stop him from driving halfway to your house and demanding that you pay him gas money. This is typical of Jeremy. You start to wonder why you even hung out with him in high school. He’s rude, unfunny, and just not fun to be around. You continue to ponder. It’s hard to think of a single good experience you two shared. Finally, after hours of contemplation, you remembered why you always hung out with him: he had weed.