Cheating Boyfriend Loves This Social Distancing Thing
If you have been following the rules of social distancing and you have a boyfriend, it’s an open relationship now. It’s just a fact. There are some minor exceptions, such as social distancing alongside your man the entire twenty hundred days so you know he’s not fooling around. But it’s also a fact that creativity spikes when sitting in an apartment for days on end with a sexual partner who wants to take up painting. So, he may be going out to eat some Wendy’s but he also might just be eating out a girl named Wendy. Social distancing is every cheater's dream come true. They have been waiting and preparing for this moment with every “Publix run” they’ve ever taken and every FaceTime from what looks like their room but is actually a gal named Jessica’s.
“My boyfriend of three years is oddly thriving during self-isolation. Of course, he had to go home to be with his elderly mother at this fragile time—she just turned fifty—so it’s been hard. But I know him never checking in on me is just a sign of how dedicated he is to his family and not that he’s out with his ‘study group’ from Baby Bio. He couldn’t get out of Tallahassee any faster, that’s how big his heart is,” said Monica Dupont as she opened a message from “Baby” that read “what r u wearing” and politely excused herself to use the restroom. “We agreed on FaceTiming every night before bed, but he doesn’t always make it because he’s watching Hallmark with his mom. How adorable! But when we do talk, he’s always in such high spirits.”
“What I’ve discovered from this time in social distancing mode is that I’m a huge introvert. I now know that I can only see girls for about an hour at a time and then I gotta get out. If I don’t then they start seriously talking to me about how they’re doing. That’s why I needed to get away from my girlfriend as often as possible…er, for my health,” said Bobby Jones as a scheduled notification popped up on his phone to remind him to text his main girlfriend. “I always knew I was built for a long-distance relationship in a pandemic. It might be my experience of constantly cheating on my girlfriend of three years or my long-time love for only talking to a girl through a filtered Snapchat of my eyes up.”
If a couple has decided to go the distance during this quarantine time, they better hope that Zoom has a bullshit detector function. A boyfriend might not stick around for the entire duration of your “The Office” viewing, and it might not really be because he’s feeling sleepy. Although the signs of cheating are usually there, all boys can pass their sweaty palms and waning interest in hearing about your day as symptoms of the Rona. But look on the bright side, for a man who puts absolutely no effort into most areas of his life, he sure is determined to get you a new carton of milk every day!